


No light, no light

by Aurora_Nerin



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies), Thor - All Media Types
Genre: Also just angst, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Loki and Thor Are Not Related, Loki has a puppy, Loki is a BAMF, M/M, Major Character Injury, Self-Harm, sickfic (sorta?)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-03
Updated: 2018-12-14
Packaged: 2019-03-13 03:19:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 22,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13561629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aurora_Nerin/pseuds/Aurora_Nerin
Summary: Loki would love to leave his toxic relationship with Thor in the past. Really, he would. But things don't go quite his way, they never have...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Golikethat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Golikethat/gifts).



> TW for the chapter: child abuse (mentioned), alcoholism (mentioned)
> 
> So, just to clear some things up:
> 
> Loki's 18-19 when they first meet, Thor's 23  
> In present, Loki's 24-25 and Thor's 29-30
> 
> The character injury tag will be important in the future, but I don't want to spoil things. I'll add new tags with updates.

 

Loki was in the kitchen when the phone rang: putting on a kettle for some late-night tea. He sighed: it was probably Anthony and, honestly, he did not want to hear whatever his best friend had to say. Or Pepper, with orders for him. For some reason, they were both hellbent to get him out of his translator’s work and back into writing.

 

Or Thor: it had been almost three days since that oaf last tried to contact him and it was about time for him to shove his annoying face into Loki’s yet again, asking him to _‘’talk’’_ and to _‘’listen to him.’’_

 

The raven-haired man rubbed his temples and went back to the living room to pick up the call (or mute it, in Thor’s case). His assumptions turned out false: it was a strange number, definitely not of U.S. origin.  Loki vaguely remembered his own number consisting of about the same number of digits when he lived back in Berlin.

 

 _‘’ Hello, Loki,’’_ the all too familiar female voice said from the other end of the line.

 

Loki bit back a curse. Should have seen this coming, why was he so stupid?

 

‘’Good evening, Mrs Odinson,’’ he said in a pleasant, albeit somewhat forced voice.

 

The woman sighed heavily. _‘’Oh, Loki, darling, how many times do we have to go over this? You don’t want to call me ‘’mother’’ anymore, I get it, but can’t we stay on a first name basis?’’_

 

Loki closed his eyes and rubbed his temples again. Damn him, it was too late for another Odinson family bullshit. ‘’Hello, Frigga,’’ He said at last. ‘’What do I owe the pleasure of hearing from you again?’’ Which, simply put, meant ‘’ _why the fuck are you still calling me?’’_

 

_‘’It’s Thor, Loki. I worry about him.’’_

 

Loki held back a sarcastic snicker. Of course it was Thor, what else could it be? Didn’t everyone’s worlds revolve around him?

 

There was a minute of tense silence - Frigga, it seemed, was expecting _him_ to ask.

 

 _‘’Fandral visited today.’’_   She said then. _‘’He had arrived from States. He told me some troubling things about Thor, Loki.’’_

 

‘’Oh, let me guess,’’ Loki cut in, his tone more bitter than the woman expected. ‘’He’s at it again, isn’t he? Drinking?’’ the quiet sigh from the other side of line made him feel a bit guilty: this woman did not deserve all the shit her irresponsible brat of a son put her through, but, truth be told, Loki was tired, way too tired to give a shit. ‘’Drugs? Got into another fight? Which was it?’’

 

_‘’Loki, if you'd just talk to him…’’_

 

‘’Let me stop you right there,’’ Loki said holding up his hand, then feeling stupid realizing no one would see it. ‘’No.’’

 

_''He would listen, I know he would, he still cares for you, Loki!’’_

 

‘’Mrs. Odinson,’’ _sigh_ , ‘’Fine, Frigga. I’m very sorry about what your son is getting himself into, but this, in no way relates to me. So, now, if you don’t mind, I have to go: the kettle is boiling. I’ll make myself a cup of tea, sit down and pretend the last five years of my life never happened. Have a pleasant evening and a good night’s sleep.’’ Loki said in one breath, ending the call, throwing his phone on a couch and going back to the kitchen to do exactly what he had said: try and forget everything that had happened to him.

 

Later, sitting on the couch with the boiling cup in his hand and a laptop on his knees, Loki’s thoughts traveled back to the call.

 

Thor was drinking. Again. Honestly, Loki already knew this: his ex-husband had been showing up shitfaced around his apartment for quite a while already. Loki had changed his address five times in just two months after filing the divorce and tried to lay low, but luck wasn’t favoring him: Thor, surprisingly, managed to find him again and again, so Loki just gave up on trying to run from him: he would just shut the door in his face if the guy showed up and threaten to call 911.

 

Honestly, he had no idea what Thor hoped to gain: their relationship was broken and no amount of fixing would mend it. Too bad Thor did not see it that way, nor did he care to accept it the way Loki saw it.

 

Loki put down the cup and went back to work: checking for errors in the text he had been editing, taking occasional glances at a book next to him, to check if all the sentences matched correctly.

 

He must have dozed off at some point: the next time he was aware of his surroundings it was dark, his tea had gotten cold (yet again) and the laptop screen had gone to _‘’sleep.’’_ He yawned and stretched. Probably it’d be better to go to bed, even though Tony would probably make fun of him for sleeping so early on Friday. No matter. He was in no mood for partying anyway.

 

Loki put away the laptop and the book, (His head was hurting too much) put the cup in a sink and looked around for Fenris: Was he on the balcony?

 

Loki pulled the bedroom door open and of course, the brat was there: curled up on his bed, snoring softly.

 

Loki smiled and scoffed: ‘’bad boy,’’ he chided and threw himself down on the bed next to the puppy, ‘’you’re not allowed to sleep in my bed little bastard and you know this.’’

 

The puppy whined and snuggled closer to him. Loki pulled a face and kicked off his pants. ‘’Come here, baby,’’ he whispered as Fen tapped his tiny paws on his face. ‘’Ouch, stop tearing my eyes out, vile beast, ‘’ he complained,  threw off his shirt and rolled inside the covers, hugging the puppy. ‘’Goodnight Fen. ‘’ he whispered, but the puppy was having none of it: he was awake and ready to play, bite covers, jump on his owners back and, long story short, do everything except let his master sleep. ‘’Mmmghhh,’’ Loki moaned, putting a pillow over his head.

 

* * *

 

**_6 years ago..._ **

 

Loki rolled a cigarette between his fingers one last time, threw it on the ground, trampled it down with his left foot and sighed. Tony Stark was known for throwing extravagant parties for no particular reason. This one, being for his ‘’dear friend’’ Steven coming back from his studies in Germany and while Loki could care less about any of it, he had to be there.

 

He went back inside and grabbed a random bottle from the bar and really, _Laufeyson, what are you doing, you should not be drinking,_ his mind insisted, but he wanted to feel good. To forget his own shitty studies, his job, his family. Everything.

 

‘’Should you really be drinking, pretty boy?’’'

 

‘’Fuck you, Tony,’’ Loki snapped and turned, only to bump into a tall, muscular, blue-eyed man that looked like he just stepped out of fashion magazine cover and was definitely _not_ Tony.

 

‘’Well, now I’m a bit jealous of Tony,’’ The guy smiled and held out his hand. ‘’That he has the privilege. I’m Thor, by the way.’’

 

‘’Mhmm…’’ replied Loki, ever so eloquently, looking the stranger up and down, realizing he might just have been licking his lips a bit. _Oh, way to go, Laufeyson, way to go. Acting like a fuckin creep_.

 

‘’Loki,’’ he managed at last.

 

‘’Loo-kii…’’ sing-songed Thor and damn, his name sounded way better rolling of blonde’s sexy lips. ‘’Well, Loki, if we were in a club, I’d offer to buy you a drink, but seeing that you already got one… You wanna dance with me?’’

 

Loki’s jaw hit the floor. ‘’Dance?’’ he said, not sure he had heard the man correctly. He could name at least five things he expected to be offered, but dancing isn’t one of them. He had never been asked to dance in his life. And he had no idea what to say.

 

Thor, it seemed, was not even waiting for an answer - he took a bottle from the lean man’s hand, placed it on the bar and lead him to the impromptu dance-floor in the middle of the hall. Loki was not sure how exactly this dance was going to work: one of Stark's favorite heavy metal bands was blasting through the speakers.

 

He might have shuddered just a bit when the blonde put his huge, toned hands on his waist. _Oh, I’m the girl then,_ Loki thought, bitterly, but did not comment on it. ‘’I don’t think this music allows for waltz, _darling_ ,’’ he joked instead.

 

Thor just shrugged and spun him. Loki followed, trying so hard not to let the stupid grin show on his face and failing. They were surely drawing some weird glances by now, but Loki did not really care. It’s strange, he thought, when he fell into the steady rhythm of steps with Thor. _It’s strange that all it took to feel safe in his friend’s house, full of his friend’s friends and their friends, was this one stranger and his strong arms that guide him under the weird guitar solo of an out of place tune._

 

Thor leaned closer and Loki more felt than heard him, humming some strange tune. ‘’What was that?’’ he asked.

 

‘’Don’t wrestle with the night, Don’t think about the future noooow…’’ Thor whispered in his melodic voice to him and Ok, now he definitely shivered a bit, _Goddamn it Laufeyson, are you a teenage girl or something? Get a grip!_ He scoffed inwardly.

 

The music stopped and Loki stepped back, without letting go of him, he lead them both to the stairs, to the second floor, to Tony’s bedroom (he knew this house like the back of his own hand, having spent multiple nights here). And _what the fuck are you doing, Laufeyson, are you really going to let a complete stranger fuck you, just because he asked you to dance and sang two lines of some song? Are you that desperate already?_

Loki ignored his inner voice and pinned Thor against the wall and planted his lips on the other man’s. He grabbed Thor’s neck and deepened the kiss and Damn it all to Hell, he needed this. He needed to feel safe for a bit, even if this would not last more than a couple of minutes, so be it. Thor moaned and the sound sent electric sparks through Loki’s spine and his body.

 

At last, their mouths separated - they need to breathe and Loki just opened a random door and dragged the blonde along with him, shutting the door behind them and going straight to his knees, unbuttoning Thor’s dark jeans and tugging them down, shivering just a bit in aticipation.

 

The blonde was already hard and Loki caressed his cock softly with his tongue, smirking at hearing the other man’s moans and wrapped his lips around the head. Thor grunted, grabbed his black locks and tried to push him down. Loki happily obliged and swallowed him, bobbing his head up and down, following the other’s commands.

 

It felt _good_. Thor’s hold was strong, but reassuring, he was not forcing him, merely anchoring. The sounds he was making were so delicious.

 

‘’That’s it,’’ he moaned, ‘’Good boy. Such a good boy. Come on, Loki,’’

 

Loki froze. Those words triggered something, a memory, long buried in the darkest corners of his mind, something he fought so hard to forget. He was choking now, he needed air, air, please, he needed to breathe…

 

‘’Loki? Loki?”’ he heard his name called from very far away. He vaguely realized that he was curled up on himself, shaking, on the floor and a terrified Thor was holding him and tears of embarrassment leaked from his eyes, because, of course, of-fuckin-course he fucked up this too, didn’t he? Curse his trice-damned-cock-sucking-luck! Of course it had to be those words, those words Laufey used to fuck him up with. _Good boy. Be a good boy for daddy, Loki._

 

He nearly vomited. He should not have tried it. He should not have.

 

But he did.

 

‘’Get away from me,’’ he snarled and scrambled back to his feet.

 

‘’Loki?’’ Thor looked like a kicked puppy. ‘’Loki, I’m sorry, what did I do?’’

 

Loki did not hear him - he all but run to the stairs, grabbed a jacket from hanger and was out of the door in less than ten seconds, before anyone could catch him. He run about a mile before stopping, realizing he had gone in the opposite direction to where he should have been going. Damn. Damn it all to hell. He did not even have a ride - he was gonna to crash at Tony’s - but fuck if he was going back there after this.

 

Fuck. what would Thor think? He’d think him a weak, pathetic loser, wouldn’t he? The one that can’t handle a bit of kinky talk and rough hands and fainted like a virgin. Loki pulled out a pack of cigarettes and howled in frustration when his shaking hands slipped on the lighter.

 

That was when he heard it: the horn of a car, signaling. ‘’Hey, there, stranger,’’ Thor’s voice said. ‘’Need a ride?’’

 

Loki sighed and turned to face him. The blonde oaf looked at him like nothing had happened, like he did not fuck up whatever thing they had and run away like hell’s hounds were chasing after him.

 

‘’I’ll pass.’’ was his dry reply.

 

‘’Oh, come on, you must be freezing. ‘’ Thor pointed out (rightly so) and opened the door on passengers side. ‘’Hop in, I’ll buy you coffee.’’

 

‘’Thor,’’ Loki sighed. ‘’You don’t owe me anything. You needn’t feel guilty.’’

 

‘’Get in the car, baby.’’ Thor said, softly and that was it. All his walls crumbled. He nodded silently and took a step towards him.

 

* * *

 

Loki first thought it’d be an awkward first date from hell, but they talked and talked and talked… and he couldn't remember the last time he felt so relaxed. When the coffee shop closed at three A.M, they all but had to throw them out and Thor circled around the block of private mansions to see if anything was open at this time. Loki could care less: He was stretched out in the passenger’s seat, hands tight around his cup of tea, eyes closed. Random low-beat techno-like sounds poured from the radio: One of those tunes that remind you of space and stars. It was nice.

 

‘’Baby? You awake?’’ he heard Thor ask.

 

‘’MM’’ Loki hummed.

 

‘’Where do you live?’’ The blonde said. ‘’Want me to drop you off?’’

 

Wow, this he did not expect. ‘’What, honey, can’t wait to be rid of me?’’the raven-haired man taunted, but, truth be told, the question made _him_ a bit sad: he did hope Thor would take him back to his place. _Though, Really, Laufeyson? After that shit you pulled? You still expected the man to make a move on you? Because of a pity-coffee-date?_

 

He told Thor the address and stared at the road ahead of them. Another day, another chance missed. Nothing new really.

 

Thor stopped his car in front of the hotel Loki was renting a room at and killed the engine. _Oh, no,_ Loki though: he could see the wheels behind Thor’s forehead turning and he knew  _the talk was_ coming. _No thanks, please._

‘’Bye, Thor,’’ he said, rushing and opened the door.

 

‘’Loki,’’ Thor said, ‘’Wait.’’

 

Oh fuckin damn it, why? Why should he wait? ‘’Yes?’’

 

‘’Would you like to go out again?’’ he asked and Loki couldn't help himself: his jaw dropped in amazement, because, really? He couldn't mean that, could he? But Thor's face was lit up with a sincere smile. 

Loki smiled back, nodding. 

 

* * *

 

**Present day…**

 

The phone buzzed again. Loki groaned, putting a pillow over his head. Who the fuck was calling him in the middle of a night? He cursed when he saw the caller ID. Thor, that’s who. Well, of-fuckin-course.

 

‘’What?’’ he snapped at the phone, irritably.

 

_‘’Loki.’’_

 

‘’Yes, it’s me, Thor, why are you calling me?’’

 

 _‘’Loki…’’_ He heard a sad sigh. Loki closed his eyes. Deep breath. _‘’Loki… I…’’_

 

‘’Are you drunk, Thor?’’ No, he did not sugarcoat things: Loki cut right to the chase.

 

_‘’I… I… don’t know what to do anymore, Loki…’’_

 

‘’Well, for starters, how about you stop getting shitfaced, fuckin around and using?’’ Loki scoffed, ‘’And giving your mother a heart attack every other day?’’

 

Silence. Thor was probably wondering what Frigga knew. If he was sober enough to wonder, that is.

 

 _‘’Would you…’’_   there was that _sigh_ again, _‘’Take me back if I did?’’_

 

The question caught him completely off-guard. ‘’I… what?’’ Damn, he was not expecting this.

 

 _‘’I said..  Would you… ‘’_ sigh, _‘’Nevermind…’’_

 

Pause. Muffled breathing. Choked sounds that sobered Loki up like a bucket of ice cold water: Was Thor.. _crying_?

 

 _‘’It was a bad idea to call,’’_ his soon-to-be-ex-husband said at last.

 

‘’That it was.’’

 

 _‘’Forgive me, I…’'’_ sigh. _‘’Bye, Loki.’’_

 

Loki stared at the phone, dumbfounded. Was that it? He shook his head, muttered a curse towards the blond oaf and tried going back to sleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look at this adorable Fen and Loki art Teckmonky did for me <3 I can't even! Original drawing on Tumblr: http://teckmonky.tumblr.com/post/170608840327/something-for-arcano-cosplay-for-their


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Loki is having a very shitty weekend...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spreads hands wide: ''YOU ARE NOW MEETING... THE GRANDMASTER!!!''
> 
> TW: mentions of rape, off-screen dub-con. Lots of angst and feels. 
> 
> Enjoy

It was looking like and fine day and Thor was still refusing to sign the papers. Loki scrolled through his lawyer’s long e-mail, feeling his weekend get worse and worse by second. Who needed divorce troubles the first thing saturday morning? Well, Loki Luckiest-Spouse- Soon-To-Be-Divorcee Laufeyson, evidently. He groaned, shuffling his hair. Fen was still trying to put his claws into his master’s jeans. ‘’Yeay, yeah, boy, we’re going, gimme a second,’’ Raven-haired man muttered, sipping his coffee, closing his laptop and jumping down from the bar stool.

 

The puppy, in it’s excitement, did nothing else but block his way. Loki put a collar on his neck and Fen screeched, shaking its head awkwardly, doing what it did best - guilt trapping.

 

Loki chuckled. ‘’What a sly thing you are,’’ he tutted the puppy and scratched its ears. ‘’I can’t take you out without that thing, boy and you know it.’’ woof woof.. ‘’Let me get my keys, vile beast,’’ raven-haired man complained, throwing on his leather jacket and unlocking the door, while the ball of fur bounced between his shoes.

 

* * *

 

_‘’You gotta call him, Loki,’’ Val said._

 

‘’I know that, Val, don’t you think I know that?’’ Loki sighed irritably, sitting cross legged on the grass, leaning on the oak. It was late autumn in New York: Fen found leaves fascinating: the puppy run around him in circles, bringing him new conquests: Loki categorized them in rows: Elms, Maples, Cherries…  

 

_‘’Well then?’’_

 

Loki paused. _‘’I don’t want to’’_ sounded like something a petulant child would say. ‘’ _I’d rather cut off my hand’''_  -  honest, yet way too dramatic. ‘’I don’t see the point.’’

 

_‘’Point? Point is to man up and make a goddamn call, Loki. That's the whole point.’’_

 

Loki huffed, irritated. Phone calls has always made him nervous, but admittedly, there’s calling and then there’s calling Thor. About divorce. Whole other level of anxiety.

 

_‘’Tell you what,’’ the woman said, ‘’Go out.’’_

 

‘’What?’’

 

 _‘’Go out with him. I know you, sneaky son of a bitch,’’ Val said, humor in her voice. Loki failed to see anything funny. ‘’Smile a bit, flirt a bit, you’ll have him wrapped around your little finger in no time.’’_  Loki wasn’t so sure - just imagining Thor’s eyes shining of hope of fixing something that could never be fixed - his stomach tied on itself. Who would sway who? Loki himself was not so sure.

 

‘’Why don’t you fuckin do it, then, Valentina’’ Loki snarled. ‘’You call her.’’

 

There was a heavy silence.

 

 _‘’I have no time to baby you, Laufeyson,’_ ’ Val said after such a long while, Fen managed to run back to him three more times with new conquests. _‘’Either call him and get him to sign the damn papers, or I’m shelving this shit.’’_

 

The line went dead.

 

Loki swallowed, hard.

 

* * *

 

The thunderstorm started unexpectedly.

 

Loki wrapped his jacket tighter around Fen and frowned up at clouds. The puppy made a soft sound, sneezed and snuggled into his chest. Damn. God, why did he even take him out what without checking the forecast first? And how did he forget to take his wallet with him? Their apartment complex is no less than 20 minute walk away, but they’re both soaked through. Loki's converses are drenched, soaked, his hair gets in his eyes, clouding his vision.

 

Someone bumped into him, making him lose his balance.

 

‘’Watch your fuckin step, imbecile!’’ Seethed Loki. The guy, more than 7 feet tall and broad as a wardrobe, turned on him.

 

‘’What did you just say?’’ He spat.

 

Well, he’s not usually the one to pick fights, but damn it all to hell, his patience is wearing thin. ‘’I told you to watch  your fuckin step, moron!’’ Loki hollers so loud that Fen whines, disturbed and peeks his head out to see what is happening. Unfortunately, that’s the exact moment when the gorilla decides swing his fist at Loki’s chest.

 

Fen’s miserable yapping makes raven-haired man see red. The puppy struggles and jumps down, hiding behind his master. Loki throws his empty jacket on the ground taking a step forward. ‘’That.. Was.. A… Big mistake, you just made there,’’ He whispers and throws himself at the guy.

 

He manages to land a hit or two, but, finally, ends up on the sidewalk, facedown in dirt, as was to be expected, with the guy atop him. Wringing his hands behind his back. ‘’What’s wrong with you dude!’’ the guy growls at him. ‘’Keep ya cool, man!’’

 

‘’Let me go, bastard!’’

 

‘’Look at this lil' bitch,’’ he guy hisses into his ear, ‘’Did your mommy not teach you not to pick fight in the streets?’’ his face get smashed into sidewalk, and Loki blinks desperately to clear his vision, his ears ringing. ‘’You want some lessons, faggot? Huh?’’

 

Punch, punch. Distant wailing of sirens. Suddenly weight lifts off him. Loki struggles to stand, but decides against it and just sits on the wet sidewalk.

 

Damn it all, he thinks. Why, of course he could not even even a bit of luck in his life. Damn this weather. Damn New York autumn. Damn him for not being able to hold his tongue. And Thor, for not signing the goddamn fuckin divorce papers.

 

‘’Are you alright, Sir?’’ Annoyingly feminine voice asks him.

 

Loki looks up to the a large woman, dressed in a three piece navy-blue suit, with a sailor-like hat on her head, looking down on him way too unconcerned to be actually standing in the rain and asking that question. Oh, wait, it's not raining anymore. Well, not on them, anyway: she is holding up huge, ugly gold-red umbrella in one hand and holding out the other. Loki stares at her dumbly. Oh, did she mean to help him get up? Wait, why is he sitting on the ground anyway?

 

‘’I’m fine, thank you,’’ he replies and climbs back to his feet.

 

‘’Well, I’ll mind my business then,’’ she says, cold and headed back to astonishing Aston Martin parked couple feet away.

 

‘’It’s.. Umm…  impolite to leave a gentleman out in the rain, Topaz,’’ an elderly man, in probably his late fifties says, rolling down the back window, smiling sharply at Loki. ‘’Let’s give him.. Umm, what’s it’s called?’’

 

‘’A ride?’’ The woman suggests, irritably.

 

‘’Tks, Tks, no, um the other one?’’ The man says, furrowing his brows, ‘’oh, the hand! Let’s lend him a hand, so, hop on, young man and we.. Off we go! Snap, snap!’’

 

Well, this is all fuckin weird, Loki thinks, ‘’I need to find my dog first,’’ he declines politely.

 

‘’Oh, uh, I think we found him already, didn’t we Topaz?’’ The silver-haired man counters. ‘’Yes, we did, we did! Come on!’’

 

Loki approaches the car doubtfully, but instantly fells the gratitude flood him as the door opens and he sees Fen, snuggling on the leather seat, warm and safe.

 

‘’Thank you!’’ He exclaimed, sitting down. ‘’I’m in your debt.’’

 

‘’Oh, don’t mention it dear, that’s.. Um.. Totally not, shall we say? Necessary? So no need to thank me...’’ He stopped snapping his fingers at Loki as if waiting,,,

 

‘’Loki, Sir,’’ the young man supplied quickly.

 

‘’Loki, huh? Sir?’’ The man smirked, ‘’I like that, Really like that. I’m En, En Dwi Gast. But friends call me Grandmaster.’’ Loki frowned. Well that was one hell of a nickname. ‘’Well, not friends, only the ones who.. Umm… deserve it.’’

 

Topaz started the car. ‘’Where to, Grandmaster?’’

 

‘’I live nearby,’’ Loki says quickly. The guy, Grandmaster or whatever his name is, Frowns in a disappointed manner. Is he being rude or something? Didn’t they just offer to give him a ride?

 

‘’Tsk, tsk, can’t take my guest straight to his house, really can not do that. We.. would be so impolite.’’

 

‘’To the mansion then, Sir?’’

 

The man nods. Loki's honestly too tired to argue. He holds Fen closer, leans back into the soft leather, closing his eyes and wondering what the hell he has gotten himself into.

 

* * *

 

The car stops.

 

They drove for so long that the rain stopped. Fen, now warm and dry, is tucked safely inside His jacket.

 

Topaz opens the door for them. Loki looks outside and his jaw drops.

 

Wow. Just wow. The mansion is huge. But that is not what phases him. It all looks like something straight outta Star Trek. It’s alien. Smooth. No doors in sight. No windows. Just miles and miles of carefully cut grass, weird flowers. Loki, for all his love of nature has no idea what any of them are called.

 

He steps towards the building, but the Grandmaster holds up his hand, dissatisfied. ‘’Wait, sweetie,’’ he commands.

 

Damn, Loki doesn’t like that tone. Not one bit.

 

Another, smaller car rolls up to them. This one's self driving. Loki nods goodbye to Topaz awkwardly and follows the man.

 

The front doors disappear, as if through some kind of magic and they are inside the mansion and well, if Loki thought the outside was weirdly jaw-dropping, oh how wrong he has been.

 

The room is huge. Whole 3 store building would fit here. The sleek car makes its way through the silver road, weirdly dressed guards standing with shields on either side. He has to pinch himself to believe it’s real. Is he awake? He can’t be. Did that guy hit him too hard in the head?  Is he still out there, face down, rain pouring over him? Did someone call the cops already? Is he in emergency? The pinching hurts like hell.

 

Well that settles it then. It’s all real. What the ass. Who is this guy?

 

Another door opens in front of him. The car stops. They make their way, on feet this time, to the elevator on the left, couple of servants following behind, wordlessly.

 

They open the elevator doors for them. What in the actual fuck, who has people open elevator doors for them? By all means, aren’t they supposed to open on their own? Loki resists the urge to roll his eyes.

 

They go up. Then down the weirdly colored green-gold corridor, with a bit of blue here and there. Must be Grandmaster’s favorite colors, Loki figures. How long do they have to walk? How big can this place be?

 

Another pair of servants opens red doors.

 

The room looks more like a penthouse than a bedroom, but it’s clearly meant to be one. Loki stands in the middle, feeling like a dirty stain on her mother’s favorite carpet with his muddy, washed over converses, ripped black jeans and wet, faded leather jacket.

 

‘’Sit, sit,’’ The Grandmaster says absently. Loki looks around, desperate to figure where it is exactly that he’s supposed to sit. Couch? Armchair? Bed? Even the thought makes him shiver. He sits on the edge of couch, hoping it to be the right choice, putting the puppy down. Fen yawns and continues to sleep.

 

‘’Here,’’ The elderly man says, thrusting a glass of something, obviously alcohol, into his hand. Alcohol? Given by a stranger, in their own mansion, surrounded by people bidding his will? In the middle of nowhere? Yea, doesn’t that sound amazing. Absolutely safest thing to do.

 

 _Fuck it,_ Loki thinks, dawning it all in one go. He’s instantly dizzy, but oh, it feels so good - the drink burns his throat and stomach, going down, making him warm and fuzzy all over.

 

‘’Wow, oh, wow, darling, atta boy,’’ the Grandmaster smirks at him. Loki blushes, not even knowing why. The man sits beside him, patting his shoulder. ‘’Huh, rough day, is it?’’

 

Loki nods wordlessly. ‘’Happens, happens,’’ En encourages, ‘’Well, to everyone but me, of course, I’m.. uh.. I’m not.. In that life.’’

 

Loki has no idea what that even means, but his glass is refilled so does it even matter? He drinks. ‘’Don’t hurt yourself, darling,’’ En whispers, rubbing his back tenderly. He should be worried, shouldn’t he? _What are you doing, Laufeyson,_ his mind screams. _What are you thinking? Don’t you know how this ends?_

 

After couple more glasses of whatever it is that he’s drinking (well, he knows two things for sure: First, it’s hella good and second, it’s probably hella expensive), keeping his eyes open is too much struggle.

 

Loki struggles to stand up. The room is spinning. Why is the damn room spinning? Why is everything red? Someone’s arms wrap around him. They smell nice. ‘’When did I tell you to redecorate ‘rund herr, Thor,’’ He mumbles and feels strong hands leading him somewhere.

 

‘’It’s alright, darling,’’ Someone shushes him. His knees bump into something. The bed? Is it the bed? Must be. Ugh. Soft. Hands are everywhere.

 

‘’Wharu doin’?’’ Loki mutters. Why is everything dark?

 

Heavy breathing. Silence. Is someone removing his trousers? What is happening? Loki tries to pry his eyes open, but they’re too heavy, like someone has glued them together. God, how is Thor into that right now? ‘’Don’ wann..’’ He argues, when he feels being turned on his back and a weight of someone above him.

 

‘’Shh… Shh, darling, it’s alright,’’ he hears a whisper and then sounds of labored breathing, ‘’Ah… Ahhh… Umm… So sweet. My boy.’’

 

The world darkens completely around him.

 

* * *

 

 

The light hits him in the eyes, merciless.  Loki groans and turns over, prying one eye open slowly. ‘’Breakfast?’’ Someone asks, making him jump. What the fuck. Who’s in his apartment? Wait, this bed is way too big to be his. Where the hell is he?

 

‘’Here’s some fresh coffee,’’ Pleasant female voice says, ‘’And some waffles with fruit and honey. There’s aspirin too, if Sir needs it.’’

 

Sir? Who the fuck is calling him Sir?

 

Then it hits him.

 

He agreed to a ride. To some strange creepy guy. They went to his mansion and… And… Memory fails him there.

 

Panic grips his mind. The dizziness. Headache. Nausea. Was he drugged? Was he raped? Oh, God, oh God… Loki throws the covers aside, examining himself. He’s still wearing his own boxers and shirt, granted, both of them are dirty and full of stains (did he fell? God who let him into bed smelling like this?), but at least he's not naked. That’s something.  

 

Loki put his feet on the floor and stands up, cautiously, expecting a dull aching (of hellish burning) from his lower backside. Nothing. Ok, so no rape then. God, he got so lucky.

 

‘’Sir?’’ the maid asks, clearly worried. Loki looks at her, blushing: Damn, this girl is just standing here, watching him stand half naked, checking out his own ass. Where are your manners, Loki?

 

‘’Uh.. Sorry… Where am I?’’ He asks.

 

Well, that didn’t help his image. The girl looks at him, gaze full of pity. ‘’At master Gast’s mansion, Sir,’’ She replies.

 

‘’Please… Don’t call me that. Loki. It’s Loki,’’ the young man stammers. Damn, he probably sounds so stupid. ‘’My name, that is.’’ Damn this stupid headache. ‘’Can I have my clothes back please?’’

 

‘’Of course, Mister Loki,’’ She nods and leaves him.

* * *

 

 

Topaz takes him back. The Grandmaster is nowhere to be seen. Loki is half insulted, half relieved. He’s not so sure if he’d be able to look the man in the eye.

 

The drive back is long enough to bore him. At last, they’re in front of his ugly apartment complex. Loki picks up Fen, says goodbye (Topaz doesn’t grant him with a proper reply, only grunts, uncaring.) and walks up the stairs (The elevator doesn’t work again) to the 5th floor. Struggles with the keys for several minutes (damn hangover), but finds his way in after a while, dropping down on the couch, way too tired to make it to bed.

 

Before his mind shuts off, vague images of someone's hands flash in front of his mind's eye. Stop making stuff up, he snaps inwardly. Nothing happened. You’re just being paranoid. Don’t freak.

 

It’s already past midday when he wakes. There are 4 new messages and 3 missed calls on his phone. ‘ _’Call Thor’’ ‘’Call Thor or I’m giving up the case,’’ ‘’I’m serious this time, Loki’’_ all from Valentina of course. _‘’You alive, Grinch?_ ’'’ From Tony (Loki rolls his eyes) and the calls… From unknown number. Loki discards them instantly.

 

He gets up to feed Fen and dropping by the fridge to get something for himself too (Refusing morning coffee and waffles? Who does that, damn, Loki, why must you be so stupid?). Making a toast, a calendar date wrapped in blue circle catches his eye. Loki swears. Fuck. He promised he’d visit.

 

The raven-haired man eyes the clock. 3:30. So, enough time for the unpleasantries. First, the call. Then visit.

 

Loki sighs again, rubs his eyes and dials the number. _Please don’t pick up, please don’t pick up…_

 

 _‘’Loki?’’_ Thor’s voice whispers from the other end of the line, not quite believing.

 

‘’Yeah, it’s me.’’

 

_‘’Loki, I’m sorry about yesterday, I’m so sorry I called… I mean, i’m not sorry that we spoke, just that... ‘’_

 

‘’Thor…’’

 

Thor holds his breath, waiting, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel nervously. _One, two, three, four, five.. Don’t ask to meet, don’t ask to meet, don’t ask…_

 

_‘’Could you see me one of these days?’’_

 

Holy fuckin shit! Thor hits on brakes so hard the wheels start rattling. Doesn't care that it’s pouring, that he’s on 5 lane street, who cares, who cares, who cares anyway..

 

‘’Yes, of course, Loki, ‘’ he says in one breath, pushing the door open with force, he needs air.

 

_‘’Tomorrow at 8?’’_

 

‘’Our place?’’ Thor suggests hopefully and hears a sigh. Maybe suggesting that was not a great idea, in the hindsight…

 

_‘’Sure, wherever.’’ Pause. ‘’Thor..’’_

 

‘’Yes?’’

 

 _‘’You’re not going to do something stupid are you?’’_ There’s hope in Loki’s voice. And something else. Regret maybe?

 

Thor laughs nervously. ‘’When have i ever done something stupid?’’ Loki’s probably shaking his head and smiling with that half-smirk of his.

 

_‘’And.. Thor?’’_

 

‘’Yes, Loki’’

 

_‘’Please don’t you dare bring that ring again.’’_

  


* * *

 

 

‘’Loki?’’ Farbauti pales just a bit when she opens the door and sees his somewhat-estranged son stand in the doorway. ‘’What are you doing here?’’

 

Loki cocked his head - while he did not expect particularly warm welcome from this woman he used to call mother, this was still a bit too much on the cold side. He decided not to point it out, though.

 

‘’Why, mother, one would think i was not welcome to visit my dear family on weekends.’’ he says instead, trying to distinguish any sound that would give him a clue to what is happening inside the house.

 

‘’What?’’ His mother stutters, ‘’Of course you’re welcome to visit anytime, honey, just, I.. You know… I thought you’d call…’’

 

‘’Well..’’ Loki says spreading his hands, ‘’that ‘’any’’ time could as well be present, right?’’ eyeing the half-closed door suggestively, ‘’I’m sorry to impose, however, if you’re expecting company…’’

 

The way his mother flinches violently at the word,  tells Loki everything he wanted to know. Now it was his turn to pale. ‘’Is he here?’’ raven-haired man asks, way too calmly. ‘’Is HE here?’’ he repeated, advancing on the door.

 

‘’Loki, no!’’ she begs, trying to hold him back. ‘’Loki, you don’t have to do this!’’

 

‘’Like hell I don’t!’’ Loki yells, losing his temper, pushing his mother out of way and strolling to the living room. ‘’Where is he? Tell me where he is! If he laid one finger on Bast, I swear to God, I’ll fuckin kill him!’’

 

‘’What’s the noise, woman?’’ raspy, male voice booms from kitchen.

 

Loki freezes mid-step. Memories of his childhood flooding him, making it impossible to breathe. Oh, God, oh God, he is here. HE is HERE! He needs to run, run, get away. ‘ _’Be a good boy, for daddy, Loki,’’_ bile is rising in his throat. Heavens, what is he doing? How is this a good idea?

 

‘’Loki?’’ he hears his mother’s voice from a distance. ‘’Calm down, Loki, it’s alright, Loki, honey, look at me!’’

 

Raven haired man blinks. What? Why is he kneeling in the floor? Did he blackout? Was it a panic attack? Loki looks up at his mother petting his hair, blocking his view to kitchen. Oh… So that’s where the old bastard is. He pushes her away and gets back on his feet.

 

‘’Where’s Bast?’’

 

‘’He’s in his room,’’ his mother says. ‘’He’s alright, you know I wouldn’t let anything happen to him, Loki.’’

 

Loki tossed her weary glance and advanced to stairs, leading to 2nd floor where the bedrooms resided. Like hell you wouldn’t, he wanted to yell at her. Like you did not let anything happen to me! But he couldn’t. He couldn’t face his fears now, or else.. He might break down. He needs to be strong. Someone needs him. Like he needed someone when he was younger. But he had no one. He waited and waited, but no one ever came for him. No one saved him. He wouldn’t let that happen to his baby brother.

 

‘’Bast?’’ he almost chokes, pushing the door to his old bedroom open.

 

Blue eyed teenage boy looks up at him, his gaze filling with love and adoration only kids are capable of. ‘’Lo!’’ the kid shouts and Loki spreads his hands wide open, allowing the boy to jump at him. ‘’Lo, you’re here!’’

 

‘’I missed you so much, baby,’’ he whispers, hugging the boy to his chest, tears welling up in his eyes. So, nothing had happened to him. Thank God. If something like that happened to his baby brother… If that old bastard did something and he wasn’t there to stop it… Loki would not be able to live with that guilt.

 

‘’Lo,’’ the boy says to his neck, ‘’He’s here. He came here, yesterday.’’

 

Loki feels his blood run cold at the fear in Bast’s voice. He has to do something. Before it's too late. ‘’Pack your things, Bast,’’ he says, his voice a bit shaky, ‘’You’re coming with me.’’

 

Gods, the way Bast's looking at him - like he's the sun itself. Loki’s heart does a backflip. ‘’Really?’’ the boy asked.

 

‘’Really,’’ nodded Loki.

 

‘’Yeey!’’

 

‘’Meet me in the living room, ok?’’ He said, got up, walked out and leaned on the door. Gods, even the look of that room was enough to be his undoing. Little did his innocent brother knew. Little did he knew what demons lived in that tiny bedroom. Demons, that still followed Loki’s dreams.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Bast was no stranger to shouting in the house, but he’d never hear Loki this angry.

 

‘’You put a finger on him and I swear to God, old man,’’ he was seething, Farbauti standing in front of him, hands on young man’s chest, pushing him back. Laufey was standing across the room, gripping a bottle of beer, looking almost bored.

 

‘’What if i do, boy?’’ He taunted, ‘’What will you do?’’

 

Loki howled and tried to push past his mother, but Farbauti was pretty strong woman, tall and large and could really pack a punch for someone her age - Bast knew strength of her hands from experience.

 

‘’He’s not me, Laufey,’’ Loki was saying, ‘’You don’t get to treat him like you treated me.’’ He said pointing a finger at the man. ‘’You touch a hair on his head and I’ll kill you, you hear me?’’ He screamed, ‘’I’ll fuckin kill you!’’

 

His breathing was hard and labored. Bast was stuck in the hallway, felt like he was not supposed to be hearing this. ‘’Lo?’’ He whispered, hoping his brother would catch it.

 

Loki turned, wide eyed, feral, but his face softened upon glancing on his brother.

 

‘’Got everything you need?’’ He asked, voice raspy.

 

Bast nodded.

 

‘’Let’s go,’’ he said, forcefully removing their mothers hands and turning to Laufey one last time. ‘’Listen well, Laufey,’’ he said, now calmer, though his ruthless voice sent chills down teen’s spine. ‘’You don’t get to ruin him as you ruined me. I had no one when I needed help, but him? He has me.’’

 

Loki turned on his heels and left the room. He was walking too fast. But broke into run to catch up.

 

‘’Loki!’’ Faurbauti called out, following them to the front door and to the driveway. Loki, with Bast in tow, did not stop to look back.

 

‘’Loki Serrure Laufeyson!’’ their mother yelled, grabbing young man’s shoulder. ‘’Don’t you dare treat me like a dog, I am your mother!’’

 

Loki turned sharply. ‘’How touching of you to remember that.’’ He spat.

 

Farbauti looked up at him, frowning. ‘’Loki, darling,’’ she whispered, ‘’you’re my son, my firstborn. I love you.’’ she fidgeted uncomfortably under raven-haired man’s steel gaze.

 

‘’Get in the car, Bast,’’ Loki said opening the door on driver’s side.

 

‘’Loki, you have to understand… He’s my husband, I love him...’’

 

Loki slammed the door with the force that almost made the glass crack. ‘’You… love him.’’ he stated, sounding not as sarcastic as he’d like. ‘’You.. Love that…’’ he said, vaguely pointing to front windows. ‘’That man, who.. Raped your child,’’ he said, lowering his voice down to a whisper: he might have been livid but still had enough sense not to let his thirteen year old baby brother hear that.

 

Farbauti looked uncomfortable. ‘’It was an accident, Loki, ‘’ she stammered.

 

‘’An accident.’’

 

‘’It was years ago.’’

 

‘’Oh, so it was years ago, right?’’

 

‘’Yes, why do you repeat my words,’’ Farbauti said, frowning.

 

‘’Oh, just to make sure i fuckin understood you correctly, _mother_ , that’s all,’’ Loki taunted.

 

‘’Isn’t it time to let it go?’’ She stated, as if that made whole lot of sense.

 

 _Tell that to my nightmares.,_ Loki thought bitterly. _To my shattered self-esteem. My trust issues. Years ago. Wasn’t that sweet._ He looked sadly at woman who, was, somehow, his mother.

 

‘’Have a good day, Mrs Laufeyson,’’ he said, opening the door and getting behind a wheel, starting the engine, half hoping that she would stop him.

 

Driving away, he saw her turn on her heels and head for the house. Loki tightened his grip on the steering wheel to the point of hurting. He needed to be alone. In the dark. Somewhere. He needed… He needed… To be safe, someone to hold on to, someone who knew… Someone…

 

 _‘’Stress can trigger panic attacks’’_ his mind supplied oh so helpfully.

 

The sound of the horn snapped him out of his thoughts. The young man hit the brakes just in time to avoid crashing into the car up front that has lawfully stopped at the red light.

 

‘’You ok, Lo?’’ Bast asked from the backseat.

 

‘’Yea, baby, I’m fine.’’ Damn. Shit. Fuck. What did he get himself into. He was in no condition to care for a kid. Even worse, a smart kid like his brother was - it would take titanic energy to hide his deteriorating mental state from him.  ‘’How’s school?’’

 

‘’Boring,’’ bast shrugged. ‘’I already know all that shit they teach us. I’m not allowed to read my books in class.’’

 

Well. Not like he could not relate. But he had to be responsible party here. ‘’Language, kid,’’ he tutted. ‘’Where did you even hear that word?’’

 

‘’Lo, you know internet exists, right?’’ The teen said, raising his eyebrows playfully.

 

Sneaky little shit. Almost made Loki smile.

 

‘’Tell you what,’’ He said, when he parked the car and ushered Bast into his apartment. ‘’Let’s skip school and take you somewhere. Roadtrip. Or hiking. What do you say?’’

 

Bast was already busy hugging Fen to his chest, but he froze, eyes wide and hopeful. ‘’What, really?’’

 

‘’Really,’’ Loki assured.

 

The teen let go of the puppy and wrapped himself around Loki’s middle. ‘’You’re my favorite brother.’’ He declared.

 

Loki could not help but, for a second, think that maybe, it would be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'll be honest with you: This update is mostly because of comment that made my heart melt <3 So, the more feedback, the more content (yes, I'm attention hoe, duuuh, obviously).
> 
> A/N: So guys, here the thing: I don't know how much you all care about Thor and Loki's past relationship. I was going to give the flashbacks about 20% of story or less. But i have had this huge inspiration about Thor and Loki's first sex in this universe and it's nghhhhh so hot and also fluffy. So, should i include it in the story? It might even take up the whole chapter. Should i post it as a one shot? Should i post part of it as one scene and that's enough? What are opinions?


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Loki is trying to fix his head, Thor is trying to fix his career and the Grandmaster... Well, his life is just fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huge thanks to SatansSyn for slaving over editing and proofreading this. You're a gift, girl!

 

‘’I don’t know what to say, Thor.’’ 

 

Thor tried to resist the urge to roll his eyes heavenwards. 

 

_ ‘’I don’t know what to say?’’ What kinda shit non-answer answer was that?  _

 

‘’Tell me what you think?’’ he gritted out. 

 

Justin shrugged his shoulders. ‘’You’re not going to like it. ’’

 

Inhale, exhale. Control. 

 

‘’I’d like to hear  it anyway.’’ Thor forced himself to say.

 

_ ‘’Well…  _ This… is unsellable.’’

 

Thor sighed. He wasn’t even disappointed anymore. Or angry. Just… tired. 

 

There was no pleasing the producers. Thor Odinson learned that early on in his career as a musician. There were only three types of bosses in this industry: The ones that only liked what they wrote, the ones that only put down what you wrote (and offered nothing in return, no advice, no support.) and the ones that only cared about the sales and didn’t give a sherd of a fuck about the product they were selling. 

 

And then there was Justin Hammer of ‘’Hammer Studios:’’ the obnoxious mix of all three.

 

Selling. The word itself made Thor cringe: here he was, putting his heart and soul out there, grudgingly accepting that it had to be SOLD. He had to be sold. Like a pig for slaughter. Like a clown for people’s entertainment. But seemed like even that was not to be.

 

‘’Why?’’ 

 

Justin shrugged again. 

 

_ Bitch just spill it _ , Thor thought furiously.  

 

‘’It’s.. Too angry. Childish. There’s no audience for this kind of thing.’’

 

‘’Thunder’’ has fans all over the world.’’ Thor argued.

 

‘’Far too few. Far too disassembled. This..’’ Justin pointed to the record player. ‘’This only appeals to angsty teens, tattoos all over, self-harming snowflakes, dressed in all black.’’

 

Thor gulped -  and lowered his eyes to his own black Metallica T-shirt and jeans. 

 

‘’I don’t understand you, Thor,’’ Hammer said. ‘’Why can’t you write something simpler for once? All these rifts, changing of themes, absurd lyrics and chords… Give me something that will catch my ear. That I can sing along to. Why won’t you?’’

 

_ Sing along _ , Thor thought bitterly. As if this idiot in a silver sleek suit, with absolutely no passion and no ear for music could even sing along to nursery rhymes. 

 

But the thing was this; Thor was not nineteen anymore. At twenty nine, you either have a boom career already, touring the world and filling the stadium with thousands, willing to scream your name and die for you to spit in their general direction, become one of the people who make legends, who inspire, who get worshiped and become the closest things to gods roaming this earth, or you settle. Settle either for a shitty job as a local pub live band, or settle for a day job. 

 

Thor did not want either of these things. He could not imagine life with his guitars and his piano covered in dust, himself dressed up like this A-class-Asshole right here, driving to work at seven A.M. each morning, slaving around, waiting for a monthly paycheck. Or playing shitty covers of Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd in some darkened room for couple hundred people at most, who could care less whether it was a soccer game in the background or his music (not even his music: someone else’s music. Someone who did what he couldn’t). Being someone’s background noise. What a fuckin honor. Fuck that. 

 

''Thunder'' had seen better days. Oh, the good old days. Thor never arsed to ask someone what they thought of his music back then. He had crowds. Not screaming stadiums, true, but it gave both his ego and his pocket their due. No shortage of one night stands either: girls and guys alike were falling into his arms from all sides. 

 

If you asked Thor, he’d say it had gone wrong suddenly and unexpectedly. But, then again, it was asking Thor and trusting him that brought the band to where they were now. Steve left couple years ago, returning to his old military life. Thor had no idea where he was now. The guy was a terrific drummer: The replacement they found in his childhood friend, Fandral, held no candle to Steve’s haunting, well-timed beats. 

 

Clint left shortly after Thor’s relationship with Loki became serious. Thor never knew why the two had hated each-other on sight. He and Nat moved somewhere down south, settled into farm life or some bullshit. Thor never heard from them since. 

 

Bruce stayed, but there was not all that much room for a pianist in Thor’s latest songs anyway. The silent, introverted guy with major anger-management issues was not cut for the stage. 

 

Long story short, everything was falling apart already, when Thor started drinking. From there, it went downhill faster than. Thunder has passed. The sky was clear for others. But Thor… Thor could not give up so easily. 

 

So here he was, swallowing his pride and dignity, calling for appointments with every and each producer that was willing to listen to his demos. 

 

‘’I like you, Odinson, I really do,’’ said Hammer after a minute of silence, ‘’but I have to be honest with you. (huh, ‘’honest’’ as if this bastard has a shred of honestly). I can’t take this. Well… I can. But I don’t see the point to. So… bring me what I ask of you. Then we’ll talk.’’

 

The guy stood up, extending his hand. The message was clear: we’re done. Thor gathered his demos and walked out without shaking it. 

 

The weather was as gloomy as his mood: dark clouds, forbearing a storm. Thor pulled his leather jacket on, opened the door, stepping out of polished reception. These.. These were the people deciding what was good music? What did they know? 

 

* * *

 

_**Five Years Ago....** _   
  


 

‘’You met Thor?’’ Exclaimed Darcy. ‘’As in The Thor? That Thor? The God of ‘’Thunder’’?’’

 

‘’Cease your blabbering,’’ Sighed Loki, rubbing his forehead. ‘’It’s most unbecoming.’’

 

They sat in the least-expensive coffee shop there was around their block. The coffee was shit and so was the weather. And so was Loki’s mood, for the matter. He regretted bringing up the meeting with his best friend slash roommate, but, honestly, if there was someone that could give some sound advice (Darcy and ‘’sound advice’’ in the same sentence? Ha!) about this, it was definitely her. She had no shortage of romantic liaisons for sure.  Well, of course there was Tony but.. For one thing, Tony was not okay with his own sexuality yet (Bi, Anthony, you’re Bi!’’ shouted Loki last time, all but losing his patience, when Tony was talking about how ‘’Drinking made his brain all weird’’ and ‘’He’d ended up in bed with some guy, can you imagine that?’’ Honestly, sometimes Loki wanted to strangle him for his obliviousness.).

 

‘’Oh, drop it, Shakespeare.’’ whined Darcy.’’ Come on, I want the dirty details! Did y’all fuck? What’s his dick like? What’s his ass like? Did you fuck him or did he…’’

 

‘’I’m gonna have to stop you right there,’’ Loki said, finger pointed at his annoying roommate. ‘’No one fucked anyone.’’

 

‘’What’d y’all do then?’’ Darcy wondered, sounding a bit confused.

 

‘’Talk.’’

 

‘’You and Thor. You met Thor, as is The Thor and you  _ talked _ ?’’ 

 

Loki nodded. Darcy face palmed dramatically. 

 

‘’You’re stupid.’’ she stated.

 

She was probably right about that, Loki thought. Stupid. What else do you call someone wasting a chance like that? But, Thor’s last words… ‘ _ ’Would you like to go out again?’’ _ Damn right he would. He thought he did not want to. Thought he was not ready for anything, nor would he ever be. Not after everything he’d been through. And, granted, maybe he was bit and maybe it was a shit idea, maybe his heart would be shattered by that God-like guy he knew nothing about (Well, Darcy seemed to know more than him, certainly.) But maybe…

 

Maybe would be worth it. 

 

The leap of faith, isn’t that what they called this? He vaguely remembered some of that bullshit from his philosophy classes. So, he closed his eyes (well, figuratively) and dove in head first.

 

‘’You have any of their music?’’ 

 

Oh, the way Darcy smirked at him: like he was a naughty kitten, caught stealing milk. 

 

‘’Mmm… What’s that I see creeping up on the horizon?’’ she mocked, ‘’Can you see it too? Starts with a C.’’

 

‘’Well, I would not want to be that crude, but I’d say something that starts with a B fits you better.’’

 

‘’B?’’ Darcy blinked.  ‘’No, stupid, it’s C. For, you know, Crush. You!’’  She exclaimed, pointing a finger at Loki. ‘’My friend, you have a really severe case of one.’’

 

‘’Lay off me.’’ Loki grunted. 

 

‘’Hey, hey!’’ Darcy cooed when Loki tried to get up and leave. ‘’Have some trust in aunt Darcy, my child. She’ll guide through these difficult times of sexual frustration.’’

 

Loki honestly wished he had something to hit her with. Like a pillow maybe. How were they friends even. 

 

‘’I got you. I’ll have the vinyls at your desk first thing tomorrow!’’

 

‘’Vinyls? Do those still exist?’’ Loki groaned. ‘’What are you, my grandma? Just send me a link or something.’’ 

 

‘’Tsk, tsk. Real music baby. So, vinyls it is. Can’t have your precious Thor’s voice fucked up by some 128 KPB bullshit record. This is a serious matter. We’re takin’ it serious.’’

 

For all the eye rolling Loki did when Darcy turned up at his room in dormitory, at five A.M. ( It was still too fuckin early, ok? It was cold and dark and  _ November _ , not like Darcy gave two shits about that, coming and going at most unusual times) dropped the Vinyls on his head and told him to get his ass up and have some fun already.

 

He tossed and turned and willed it to get warmer but it didn’t. So, he dragged his ass to the common room, still wrapped with his blue-red plaid blanket, dropped down on worn-out couch, put a Vinyl in a player that was probably older than his grandma, God rest her soul, put on some water for coffee, cozied up on the couch (no heating on in the dorms till seven) and closed his eyes, wishing he could just sleep.

 

Buzzing noise. The record spinning. Then.. The voice. Thor’s voice came up, enrapturing  him. Like he was there. He was in the room with Loki, overwhelming presence in the darkness. 

 

It was a story. His voice... Reciting chronicles about death of civilization, desperation, search, longing… Then the voice faded and high-pitched, haunting piano tune entered the stage. Same combination of six chords, repeated over dozen times. And the drums, one for every two step of the piano, luring him in, a promise of salvation of hope… Of rumors about survivors, of light, forgiveness granted to oneself, in the unforgiving, yet forgetful world. 

 

The voice came back up suddenly. Thor… His singing voice was even silkier than the talking one. And Loki suddenly knew… He knew why there must be thousands throwing himself into this alien God’s arms that was somehow, for some reason, pretended to be a lowly mortal like the rest of them. Oh, the way he sang: like a knife straight to Loki’s heart, like he has found out all his darkest secrets, like he knew exactly what went through his mind as he laid curled up on a flimsy upholstery, shivering, cold and yet… 

 

The next songs did him no favors either: Loki felt like his heart was being ripped in two; shutting his eyes, he could see Thor… Thor on stage, dressed in all black leather, long, silky blonde hair flowing behind him like a halo, illuminated by colorful lights, his eyes, shining like sapphires, enchanting every single person in the hall, talking to them, eye-fucking, handling out promises he was not intending to keep, leaving them guessing, begging for more, more of his voice, his words…

 

Loki managed to listen to couple more songs before the first ‘’I go to bed early, get up early and go jogging’’ type annoying student came in and asked him what he was playin’. He got up instantly, gathering all the records and running away like hell’s hounds were chasing after him. He was well aware it was stupid and it was childish, but NO, ok? They could not hear. 

 

No one else was to hear his voice. It belonged to Loki. It had to.

 

Later, in his room, hiding under the blankets, blinds blocking all light, the records lying beside the bed on the floor, he slipped his left hand down, caressing them and tried not to think about what he was doing, as he pulled his boxers, face down in pillow, thrusting 3 fingers into his hole, humping the mattress, tears of desperation threatening to spill from his eyes. 

 

God, how he wanted him.

 

* * *

 

 

_**Present Day...** _

  
  


Sunday morning started out a bit chilly and windy. Not all that surprising and Loki was perfectly fine with it too: Promising to go on a hike with your baby brother is one thing and actually going there was something else. Especially if you were raging introvert like him. 

 

Bast, bless him, didn’t look like he minded at all: they both slept in a bit, mostly without incidents: well, there was that one time at four am, when the boy slipped into his bedroom, spooned up behind Loki’s back without saying a word, scaring the living daylight out of him. Granted, he used to do that back in the day, but Loki was not fifteen anymore: he has long since lost the ability to accept casual physical gestures for what they were. Touching has been a sore subject for him way before Thor and now, after him, after all the sleepless nights, nightmares and panic attacks he had to go through alone for last seventy eight days (not that he’s counting!), the old monsters were back, cozied up under the bed, under the table, under cupboard. Basically, everywhere they could find two inches of space to hide.

 

Loki found it difficult to sleep after that: his mind was reeling, overflowing.  _ What are you doing, Laufeyson? _ It screamed at him.  _ What will you do with him? Can you even do right by him? Can you? Fucked up mess that you are? _

 

_ Shut up, Shut up!  _ Loki screamed back, soundlessly, trying to stay still. _ Stress can trigger panic attacks, stress can trigger panic attacks _ … Why was he repeating that like something a teacher gave him to write down fifty times or some bullshit? 

 

Okay, deep breaths, Loki, deep breaths, In, out, in, out. Well, surely there’s no way you can do worse than that rapist son of a bitch and his lackey of a wife, with a personality of a doormat. 

 

His mother. She was Loki’s mother. Bast’s mother. _How can she treat us like this,_ Loki thought. _Maybe that’s why I'm fucked up without ability to love and worthy of being loved and maybe it has nothing to do with Laufey and what he did._

 

Maybe he was born this way.

 

These thoughts fade and wash away for a bit as the first rays of light hit the window, but they don’t disappear; just dull to a constant ache that you only feel when you think too hard about it (Oh and did he ever!).

 

They stayed in, ordered pizza, (Pepperoni according to Bast’s wishes: The kid deserved to be spoiled a bit, if you asked Loki). They watched ‘’Back to the future’’ shoving hot cheese covered (double cheese yey!) slices down their throats and washing it down with coke. Then, there was the issue of Bast’s clothing: Loki emptied on of the drawers in his bedroom and one in his working desk and ordered the boy to put his things away, totally ignoring all the whining and promising Thai takeout for the next day if he behaved. 

 

Bast run to the bedroom all too gladly, the little harpy. 

 

Around that time, he got another text from Tony, threatening to call the cops if he didn’t grant him with a reply. Loki rolled his eyes at his best friend’s antics, logging into his laptop.

 

‘’You have incoming video call from Anthony’’ was written over his screen not five seconds later.

 

Loki pressed accept.

 

‘Yo, Rapunzel, sup?’’ Said his ever-cheerful friend from other side of line.

 

‘’Really, Tony? Why?’’

 

‘’What?’’

 

‘’Rapunzel? I expected something better.’’ Loki taunted, shaking his black haired head. ‘’Look at this. You colorblind or something?’’

 

‘’It’s not the hair color, honey, but how you lock yourself up in that tower of yours, hiding form the big bad world, no a word to be heard for days! And you hair is long enough to…’’

 

‘’Shut it Tony,’’ the raven-haired man moaned.

 

‘’Sure thing, princess. How’s life over there on the dark side?’’ 

 

Loki shrugged. 

 

‘’Trouble in paradise? Oh wait, no more paradise right? Did he sign the papers or what?’’

 

‘’No. Meeting him today.’’

 

‘’Whoa, what? Meeting? Who? Thot? Why?”’

 

‘’To discuss.’’

 

‘’Discuss or ‘’Disc-ass’’?’’

 

‘’Tonyyyy…’’ Loki whined, trying hard to keep a straight face and failing. ‘’No. Just talk ok. To talk.’’

 

‘’Where have I heard that before.’’

 

‘’Well, to be honest, it’s your damn fault we met in the first place!’’

 

‘’Mine? How?’’ Tony put up a finger, thinking. ‘’Oh, y’all met at mine didn’t ya?’’

 

‘’Lo!’’ Bast called out from the other room. ‘’Where do I put shoes?’’

 

‘’In the hall!’’ yelled back Loki, followed by Bast running out of bedroom, holding one pair of purple-ish high-collared Converses in one hand and pair of army print combat boots in another, and stopping by.

  
  


‘’Hey, Illuminati!’’ Greeted Tony. Bast laughed. It was a warm sound. Pleasant. Loki wished he could hear it forever.

 

‘’How’s dark side? Still got cookies?’’

 

‘’Plenty, how’s the force workin for ya, Han?’’ Threw back Bast.

 

Loki laughed. He couldn’t help it; his best friend and baby bro bickering in fluent Geek. would you look at that. He was getting some feelings. 

 

Loki knew right from the start the two would love each other to bits, even through both of them denied it with all they had. Tony would waltz in, taunt Bast to watch Disney Channel, Bast, in turn would unleash a torrent of random facts on him, like, from those horror and science documentaries Tony hated. 

 

All in all, they got along fine. Which, sadly, could not be said about Bast and Thor. 

 

Thor… Loki still got chills every time he remembered _that night’_ s meeting.

 

‘’So, when you coming back from Florida?’’ He asked.

 

‘’Couple of days, like, maybe a week.’’ His best friend said from the other end. ‘’Why? Missed me already?’’

 

‘’Don’t push it.’’ Loki warned playfully. ‘’How’s business.’’

 

Tony groaned. ‘’Business? Don’t you talk to me about the business! I told you so many times, Loki! Quit that useless job of yours, we can make you into next Le Guinn or something! Rich, famous! People would kill to meet you! Thousands of screaming fans! Don’t you want it?’’

 

Loki shrugged. Fans. He never wanted those. Readers were what he wanted. Fans were something Thor would have - teenage girls dying to put his dick in their mouths, eager to get on all fours for him. 

 

No. fame was not for Loki. He was not cut for that kind of thing. 

 

‘’Gotta go. Sorry, Tony.’’ he said, his mood ruined.

 

‘’Oh, fuck’s sake, Grinch, what’s wrong with you?’’

 

‘’Bye, Tony,’’ Loki cut short, ending the call absurdly. 

 

‘’Why’d you hang up on him?’’ asked Bast, from the counter.

 

Loki rolled his eyes. How could he explain what kinda shit mentioning Thor and his fans brought up for him? Shit he thought he had forgotten, but well.. _Think again, Loki._

 

 

* * *

 

 

_ ‘’Still on tonight?’’ _

 

Thor looked at the text for good ten minutes before sending it out, tapping his fingers on the bar.

 

Yes, he was at a pub. Not drinking though, give him a break, ok? After the visit at ‘’Hammer Studios,’’ he needed a friendly face and well this place… A friend owned it.  And Fandral would be coming to meet him too. Fandral had just gotten back from Europe. He might be bringing some news about his family. Granted, Thor could call them anytime he wanted to, but he just couldn’t stand to hear the disappointment in Frigga’s voice, or disapproval in Odin’s. 

 

No. First he’d achieve what he had striven towards. He had come so far. He’d show them. He’d prove them wrong, all of them who thought he could not do it.

 

His phone beeped. Thor’s fingers tightened around the bottle of beer ( Fine, maybe he was drinking a bit but it’s a beer ok? Nothing else. Just one tiny bottle of it.). 

 

_ ‘’Sure.’’  _ said the text. He almost sighed in relief.

 

_ ‘’Want me 2 pick u up?’ _ ’ he typed out as fast as he could. As if that way Loki wouldn’t have enough time to think better of it. 

 

_ ‘’Fine.’’  _ the answer came not a minute after.

 

_ ‘’Gr8. B there at 8.’ _ ’ He replied and then realized that Loki hadn’t told him his new address, and dumbass that he was, he’s not thought of pretending to not know it. _Fuckin hell, Thor, stalking your ex much? Disgusting._

 

Loki, bless his heart, didn’t point it out, ‘ _ ’8. Sharp. Don’t be late.’’ _ he texted.

 

_ Eight it is.  _ Thor looked at the clock. It was Five-thirty. So, he would need around forty minutes to get to Loki’s place. Plus twenty minutes to make himself look presentable. Plus another twenty to get him flowers or something. Or was  that a good idea? Should he get him flowers? Maybe not? And another fifteen just in case there was traffic. 

  
  
  


Thor emptied down the bottle in one swing.

 

* * *

 

 

Loki reread the message for the fiftinth time maybe. He’d been ready for a while.  _ It’s seven-thirty already. He’s not coming, idiot.  _ His mind taunted.  _ He doesn’t care!  _

 

_ No, shut up, _ Loki argued.  _ He will. It’s early. He will.  _

 

But Gods, maybe it was better if he didn’t. What could they even discuss. How could he look at Thor after everything that had happened. After _that fight_. Hit tapped his fingers nervously and walked to the kitchen. Bast was there, cozied up on the couch, already with his pajamas on (bless him), under the blanket, reading. The boy looked up on the sound of footsteps.

 

‘’Lo, you going out?’’

 

‘’Yes,’’ confirmed Loki. ‘’I won’t be late. Don’t stay up, ok?’’

 

‘’Ok. Should I close the door?’’

 

‘’No, I’ll lock it. I’m waiting for a pickup anyway. Don’t worry.’’ 

 

Bast nodded. 

 

The phone rang. Loki grabbed it in a second, all but running to bedroom.

 

‘’Hello?’’ Damn why was his voice shaky.

 

_ ‘’Hello, darling.’’  _

 

Loki blinked, confused. Darling? Thor never called him that. Wouldn’t call him that now more than even. And it did not sound like him either.

 

‘’I’m sorry, you must have the wrong number?’’ He half stated, half asked the stranger at the other end of line.

 

_ ‘’Wrong? Why, I am hurt. Wrong? Me? I am never wrong, darling.’’ _

 

Oh, wait. Now Loki could kind of place that voice. But what was he even supposed call him?

 

‘’Did I give you my number?’’ He asked instead. Cause he sure as hell didn’t. He would not. 

 

‘’Give?’’ the Grandmaster chuckled.  _ ‘’No one.. Um.. Gives me things, my boy. I just.. Take them at convenience, if you get my… umm… meaning.’’ _

 

He did. The rich-as-a-space-emperor-guy, right? Might have gotten his birth certificate if he wanted to. 

 

_ ‘’So now that we established that, I was.. Um… thinking.’’ _ The man said. ‘ _ ’That maybe… You could come to dine with me.’’ _

 

_ Hm, way to phrase ‘’can i take you out,’’ _ thought Loki, but didn’t say. 

 

Damn, dinner with this guy would be some pretentious as fuck bullshit. Where would they even go? Someplace that Loki could not afford the paper menu was printed on, probably. And would have to wear a suit. Or something. Fuck no, how about that.

 

_ ‘’So, Tuesday at nine’’  _ Said the Grandmaster, without waiting for Loki’s approval. _ ‘’Topaz will be sent to escort you.’’  _

 

The line went dead, leaving Loki to just stand there, slack-jawed, confused and a bit frustrated. Who the fuck did this guy think he was, treating him like one of his belongings?

 

Well, at least he had couple more days to worry about that. Now, Thor was the whole other matter. 

 

He shouldn’t  have been worry. But, he was worried. Should he call to check up? Or text? Would that be clingy?  _ Oh, Gods, Laufeyson, you’re meeting to discuss a fuckin divorce! Way past the time to worry about being clingy, that ship has fuckin sailed! _

 

Loki scoffed at the clock.

 

7: 45. He rechecked Fen’s bowls, to make sure the water and food were fresh. 

 

7:50. Did he take out the trash? He did. Damn.

 

7:55 Was his phone on even? Has Thor called and he hasn’t heard?

 

8:00 Ok, boots? Check. Jacket? Check. Did his hair look ok?

 

8:10 Maybe he was stuck in traffic.  _ Be reasonable Loki, you’re twenty five, not fifteen.  _

 

8:15 _ He could have fuckin called if he was getting held up!  _ Thought Loki furiously, throwing himself down on his bed.  _ The bastard. Never cared about keeping his promises. Fuck him. _

 

8:20  _ How exactly was this meeting a good idea. How. God, he had never felt so anxious and embarrassed in his life.  _

 

8:25 Loki stuffed the phone under the pillow and closed his eyes. He’dl show up. No need to look at the clock every minute. 

 

_ Don’t check the phone.  _

 

_ Don’t check it. _

 

* * *

  
  


Thor looked at him with cold, dead eyes. ‘’Laufeyson.’’ He spat.

 

Loki flinched. Granted, he expected coldness after all the time he’s turned his down, but not like this…

 

‘’Odinson.’’ He fired back.

 

Thor pulled out a chair for him. Loki sat. Their old place looked darker somehow. Maybe they redecorated; he had not been here for over a year, or maybe it was the cold feeling crushing his chest; the realisation of finality. 

 

‘’The papers?’’ He asked.

 

Thor took out the stack. 

 

‘’Here are your papers.’’ he said and all but threw them in Loki’s face. 

 

Loki swallowed the tears threatening to spill from his eyes and looked down. Damn, why the fuck was everything so blurry. He couldn’t read shit. The text was weird too. Definitely not their agreement - he had read it thousand times.

 

‘’What is this?’’ He asked, confused.

 

‘’Proof.’’ Smirked at him Thor, shark-like.

 

‘’Of what?’’

 

‘’Proof that you love me and always will. Proof that you belong to me. Heart and soul. I know your every secret, Loki.’’ Thor said, his voice more malicious than ever. ‘’You’ll never be free.’’

 

Loki shrieked back, looking around for an exit desperately, but his legs seem to have stopped working. He could not get up. His hands were shaking.

 

Thor seemed to know this.

 

‘’What are you going to do now loki. What will you do about the child? Will you just abandon him?

 

‘’Child?’’ stuttered Loki, ‘’What child, we don't have a child!’’

 

Thor looked to his right. Loki did the same and saw bast sitting on the floor, playing with something. Legos probably? Loki opened his mouth to demand an explanation - how was his baby brother here? He had left him home, asleep on Loki’s copy of ‘’Ocean at the end of the lane.’’

 

Then the kid looked up and Loki’s heart turned to ice. 

 

Half of his face was purple from the huge bruise starting at his swollen eye, coming down to the finger-shaped bruises on his neck. His lip seemed to be split too. 

 

Loki tore the gaze away, struggling to stand, to say something, Thor could not have done this, why would he… 

 

Thor smiled at him. Loki blinked: why was his hair grey? 

 

Patting Bast’s head with his left hand, his father looked up and smirked. 

 

‘’Be a good boy for daddy, Loki,’’ said Laufey.

  
  
  


* * *

 

 

Loki shot up, panting for air, jumped off the bed and ran to bathroom. He turned the water on shakily and splashed some on his burning face. 

 

Jesus, what was that. _ What was that? _ How did his deranged brain even come up with it? He turned the water off, went back to the bedroom and shuffled in the dark to find the phone that he’d thrown to the floor in a haste. 

 

It was past midnight. 

 

The doorbell rang. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we bear witness to Thor's Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah, regular updates? Who, me? How did this happen? Enjoy!

**_Six hours ago…_ **

  


Thor downed another bottle of beer and closed his eyes: the crimson, doubtful interior design is burned his eyes and making his pre-existing headache worse.

 

The space was small, though not cramped yet: It was too early for anyone in their right mind to be getting drunk. He saw only a hipster couple of two girls, with colorful hair, shyly hugging each-other in the corner, looking around with those huge, innocent eyes, a middle-aged man, that looked so out-of-place with his college professor looks, leather messenger bag and dorky glasses, almost made Thor smile. And the bartender of course.

 

The ceiling was covered in writings left by the customers over time; some of them faded: the white chalk drawing of a dick, (because, of course), ‘’ _fuck … disorders,_ ’’ cut out in shaky handwriting, the middle word covered by criss-crossing lines, BMW logo (for some reason), some hearts, fancy-ass street-art style writings in different neon colors and whole lots of names (Maria+George, that kind of thing).

 

Thor closed his eyes and rubs his temples. The meeting with Loki. He had been rehearsing what to say for hours now, but it still sounded so dumb.

 

‘’I’m sorry for whatever i have done to make you angry. I didn’t mean it. If we could talk, I don’t want to force you to make any decision, but…’’ And he knew its a bad idea: ‘’Oh you don’t even know what you did? And yet, you ask for forgiveness?’’ Loki’s voice says in his mind.

 

Yes, that’s how it’s gonna go. Because let’s face it: Thor knew exactly what he did. What he said to cause this. Well, in his defense, he did not think (You never think, Thor! Is it his mother’s voice saying that or that of Loki’s?), but he…. Really, he was an asshole that took Loki’s following him around and showering him in affection for granted. He was a stupid, selfish man-child: spoiled from all the attention of fans, used to getting it and not giving back, not realizing that’s not how relationships work. Not until it was too late.

  


He sighed and motioned the bartender to bring him another bottle, looking back… Way back.

 

 

* * *

 

**_2 years ago..._ **

 

It was way past midnight when Thor pulled in to a driveway in front of the house. Nothing new for him, though. He came home at the most unusual times, especially after the long day of work in the studio, or after a concert. The unusual thing was that he was alone: Loki didn’t show up at the setup. Or at concert. Didn’t call either. In truth, Thor was midway between being annoyed and worried.

 

He parked the car and killed the engine. The house was drawn in total darkness. At the first glance, it looked empty too, but it wasn’t: When he opened the front door, there was a huddled figure sitting on the floor near the glass wall, knees drawn to his chest, hands crossed over his knees, silent, unmoving.

 

‘’Hey,’’ said Thor, frowning a little “Loki?”

 

There was no answer. Loki didn’t even spare him a glance.

 

Well that made Thor more inclined to the ‘’annoyed’’ territory.

 

‘’You weren’t there.’’ Thor said, for having nothing better to say.

 

Loki was still not looking at him as he hung up his jacket and kicked off his combat boots.

 

‘’The concert,’’ the blonde clarified as the silence became smothering. ‘’You didn’t come.’’

 

‘’No, I didn’t.’’ agreed his husband.

 

‘’Why?’’

 

Loki sighed and stood up, walking past him and up the stairs, to their bedroom. His shoulders were slumped and he  _still_ did not look at Thor.

 

Thor thought he’d feel angry and frustrated at the antics, at Loki being so cold with him but… It was the way he did it. Not spitefully or in jest. He seemed  _off_.

 

Thor followed him into the bedroom.

 

Loki was curled up on Thor’s side, facing the wall.

 

Thor’s chest constricted at the miserable sight.

 

‘’Hey,’’ he said softly, spooning behind the raven-haired man’s back, leaning on his elbow, stroking his curls. ‘’Baby, what’s wrong?’’

 

Loki just shook his head, mutely.

 

‘’Okay,’’ Thor sighed, pulling him closer to his chest.

 

Loki shrugged him off and sat up.

 

‘’Thor,’’ he whispered, his voice choked, ‘’I can’t do this anymore.’’

 

Thor froze.

 

‘’What do you mean?’’

 

‘’You… All of this.’’ he gestured vaguely. ‘’The concerts, the touring, drugs, alcohol. I’m so scared for you. And tired. Tired of dreading every phone call. Dreading that it will be the police, telling me that you… That… You died. Because of those drunken stunts. Crashed your car. Overdosed. I… I can’t live with that…’’

 

The sobs shook Loki’s thin shoulders. Thor cursed himself for never noticing how skeletal his beloved has become. How dull and huge his eyes were. How big the dark circles under them had grown.

 

‘’Hey, hey,’’ Thor shushed, hugging Loki to his chest. ‘’Calm down baby. It’s ok. Don’t think about it.’’

 

‘’How can I not,’’ Loki whimpered, hitting his chest weakly, ‘’You… You could die and then what I would do?’’

 

‘’I won’t,’’ Thor assured, holding Loki’s wrists to his lips and planting soft kisses on them. ‘’I won’t leave you, you hear me, muffin? Don’t worry.’’

 

Loki flinched when Thor’s beard made contact with his wrists. Thor examined his face closely. Loki lowered his eyes, looking guilty.  He attempted pulling the sleeve back from his wrists.

 

‘’No,’’ Loki was shaking his head frantically.

 

‘’Loki…’’ Sighed Thor.

 

‘’ No, please, don’t…’’ he whispered, weakly.

 

‘’Let me see.’’

 

‘’No!”’ Protested the leaner man, but his struggling got him nowhere; the sleeves were drawn back, revealing the set of criss-crossing, angry, red lines.

 

Loki hung his head. He could not look at his husband now. Couldn’t see disappointment or pity in Thor’s blue eyes.

 

‘’Muffin, look at me.’’ The blonde asked.  

 

Loki shook his head.  _No_.

 

‘’Why would you do this, baby?’’ Thor whispered, lump rising in his throat ‘’Why do you do this to yourself? To me? You have me worried sick, sweetheart!’’

 

‘’Don’t you dare!’’ Loki hissed. ‘’I have you worried?  _You_? Am I too much of a burden to you?’’

 

‘’That is not what I meant and you know it.’’

 

‘’Do I?’’ grimaced Loki. ‘’Thor… If… ‘’ his voice cracked and faded.

 

‘’Yes?’’ Thor prompted.

 

‘’If… ‘’ Loki tried again. ‘’You want to forget about me, if that’s why you… Stay out late, why you do all these things that hurt you…’’ The raven-haired man was trying his best to drive the point through, but, by the looks of Thor’s face (the one of total confusion) he was getting nowhere. ‘’Please, tell me. I will let you go. I swear. I’ll try. You… Don’t need to strain yourself so much to put up with me. I… I know I’m not the best husband you could ask for...’’

 

‘’No, Loki!’’ Thor interrupted harshly and, for a moment, Loki’s blood turned to ice.

 

‘’You’re not a burden. I’m not tired of you.’’ He said, slowly, putting hands on Loki’s neck and drawing their foreheads together. ‘’Do you understand?’’

 

‘’But… But…’’ Loki stuttered. ‘’You need someone to stand by your side. Through all of this. The ups and the downs. And I… Can’t.’’

 

‘’You can, sweetheart,’’ Thor assured, wiping the single tear from his husband’s check. ‘’You can.’’

 

‘’But I  _can’t_!’’ Loki protested more forcefully. ‘’I tried, Thor but I’m tired. I want to…’’

 

Thor was looking at him with intensity of thousand suns. Loki’s words got stuck in his throat. How could he say it? How could he make Thor understand?

 

‘’Nevermind.’’ The raven-haired man muttered, climbing down from the bed.

 

‘’Loki?’’

 

‘’I’m sleeping in the other bedroom. Please, Thor. Give me time.’’

 

Thor laid, staring at the wall for quite some time, the sleep evading him.

 

 

* * *

 

 

**_4 Hours Ago..._ **

  


‘’Hey, man!’’

 

The sound of a familiar voice drew him out of his thoughts.

 

Thor turned around. His childhood friend looked cheerful as ever. Thor couldn’t help but smile back, patting his shoulder in return. Fandral sat down on a barstool next to his, ordering himself a drink.

 

‘’How’s life?’’ he asked, while putting his jacket away. The bartender, tall woman with a curly black hair, set the bottle in front of them.

 

Thor shrugged.

 

‘’How’s… you know, Loki?’’ Fandral asked, relentless.

 

‘’How should I know,’’ grumbled Thor.

 

‘’Touchy, much?’’

 

‘’Lay off me.’’

 

‘’Okay, man, okay, I’m just tryina, make conversation here, you know?’’ Fandral pointed out, and what could Thor say,  he totally had the point.

 

‘’Went to Hammer Studios today.’’ Thor said, playing with the rim of his bottle, running his finger absently over it

 

‘’Well? How’d it go?’’ Fandral inquired, after a couple of seconds of watching him got no answer from Thor.

 

‘’It didn’t go anywhere. The son of a bitch said, and I quote;  _‘’this shit is unsellable,’’_  Thor was getting angrier by second. ‘’That I should try and make something more relatable, or catchy or whatever the fuck people want to listen to these days.’’

 

‘’Well why don’t you try?’’ Fandral suggested

 

Thor looked at him like he grew another head.

 

“ _Excuse_  me?”

 

Fandral just shrugged. ‘’It’s a business, right? The public demands whatever they want. We provide. We work for their needs. They give us their money. If we don’t do it, others will.’’

 

‘’It’s not like that for me.’’ Thor grunted, feeling like he was back at the meeting with Hammer.

 

‘’Listen Thor, you’re taking all of this way too seriously,’’ Fandral started.

 

‘’Of course I’m taking it seriously!’’ Thor said loud enough that it made the couple in the corner look at him weirdly. ‘’It’s my fuckin life, ok? Not like you would understand, you have never felt anything beyond the basic, simple needs you seek out. You’re in this just for the paycheck, aren't you? For the girls to fuck, the drugs, the fame? The music’s  _nothing_ to you!’’ He almost shouted,  hands clenched into fists. ‘’You’ve never written a song. You’re not the one that has to put their fuckin  _soul_ out for  _sale_!’’

 

Fandral was looking at him closely, but he was not reacting to the outburst, not yet anyway. Thor signed and sat back down.

 

‘’You don’t even care,’’ he said after a minute of silence, his voice cracking. ‘’None of you. Steve left. Clint and Nat did too. You got another life, travelling, that DJing stuff you do, other things.’’

 

He felt like crying. He was alone. So  _alone_. His friends, his family… No one was left. No one believed in him anymore. They just saw him as an alcoholic, a failed rock-star that could not fit in with the society, head in the clouds, far to arrogant to try and unable to live like others did. The only person that truly believed him, that adored him and looked at him like sun shone out of his asshole, the only person…

 

‘’Hey, man, don’t cry,’’ he heard Fandral say awkwardly.

 

Thor rubbed his eyes furiously. He hadn’t even realized he was about to start crying.

 

The silence stretched.

 

‘’Thor,’’ Fandral started again after they finished the set of bottles and ordered another. ‘’What’s the last time you talked to your parents?’’

 

Thor looked up, confused; why would  _Fandral_ of all people ask that? He tried to remember, but… Hell, it really had been a while. What a shit of a son he was.

 

‘’Call them. Odin. Call him,  _please_ ,’’ Fandral asked.

 

Thor stared at him. Well that just didn’t make sense.

 

‘’Fandral what are you not telling me?’’

 

Fandral gulped. He was definitely up to something; Guilty as charged.

 

‘’So… What happened with Loki?’’ he asked absurdly, in a desperate attempt to change the topic.

 

Thor narrowed his eyes, looking at Fandral, knowing he was not telling him something, that there was something going on in that flouncy haired little brain of his.

 

For a second, they both looked at one another and Fandral thought Thor would press on, but the man only sighed and rolled his eyes before he took another sip.

 

‘’We’re divorcing.‘’ Thor told him.

 

‘’Did you even talk?’’

 

‘’I’m meeting him today.’’

 

‘’But why, man, why? You all were like tooth and nail, you know? I remember him, the lovesick boy, following you around everywhere, on tours, standing backstage, ready to jump on you every waking hour,’’ the blonde said, with a dreamy expression that made Thor’s blood boil: was his friend really…  

 

No, he couldn’t possibly be interested in Loki, could he? But, why couldn’t he? Loki… Loki was one of a kind, unique, beautiful, smart. He was the closest thing to magic Thor had ever seen. Thor’s songs really held no candle to Loki’s poems.

 

Thor suddenly realized that there could and  _would_ be people who took interest in Loki. The realisation left a bitter taste in his mouth, that the alcohol was incapable of washing down.

 

‘’People grow apart,’’ he cut short, not wanting to discuss Loki. ‘’What happened with you and Sif?’’

 

‘’We weren’t ever that serious, though,’’ Fandral pointed out, ‘’It was just a bit of fun. We broke it up ages ago, mutual understanding that it would never work. No hard feelings.’’

 

‘’No hard feelings,’’ grumbled Thor, not for a second imagining that that could ever be the case with him and Loki. Oh there were lots and lots of feeling in that shit; hard, soft, ugly and fucked up. Just about any kind.

 

Fandral left shortly thereafter: granted, Thor was not the easiest man to talk to on his best days. But this meeting still felt weird and  _forced_ : like his childhood friend didn’t want to see him at all. It was strange: Fandral never was the one to do the things he didn’t want to. Then, why did he initiate the meeting at all? Thor was drunk enough, but not that much to not feel the hidden reasoning behind his actions. He was not bad at reading people overall, or so he thought.

 

So there was definitely something. But what? The only clue his friend left him with, was that weird prompting to contact his family.

 

And that was apparently what Thor had to do...

  


 

* * *

 

_**3 Hours ago...** _

 

 

Odin would be lying if he said he was expecting Thor’s phone call late Sunday evening. Had the circumstances been different, he might have been happy to hear from his son.

 

He picked up the call with a heavy heart.

 

‘’Father,’’ Thor greeted.

 

‘’Son,’’ Odin acknowledged. ‘’Glad to hear from you. But, this is really unexpected.’’

 

‘’Why? Can’t a son just call to ask about my family’s welfare?’’

 

‘’Of course he can, but taking into consideration the fact that he hadn’t done so in months..’’ Odin replied, unable keep the bitter tone out of his voice.

 

‘’You really think I don’t care about you?’’ Thor inquired. Well the old man though of him just as lowly as ever. ‘’All I want, father, is to prove to you that I can do what i set out to do. That I can make you proud of me. I’m so close..’’

 

‘’Thor’’ Odin interrupted. ‘’You don’t have to prove anything to me. Just come back home, please.’’

 

‘’See,’’ Thor was agitated, ‘’This is exactly why I didn’t call: you never want to listen to what i have to say. You… just have this image of a perfect son, taking over your company, marrying a nice girl from respectful family back at home, settling, driving to work every morning…’’

 

‘’Is it so bad?’’ His father sounded tired, ‘’What is so bad in having a family, Thor? Why you have to chase the winds? Why don’t you want some peace of mind for yourself, for others?’’

 

‘’There’s no peace in giving up!’’

 

There was a silence.

 

‘’Thor,’’ said Odin after so long that Thor was already thinking of hanging up. ‘’Your mother is ill.’’

 

Thor froze.

 

‘’What?’’

 

‘’I didn’t want to tell you. She forbade me from telling you unless you asked. ‘’ Odin sighed.  ‘’And while you didn’t specifically ask, you did call, so… guess that gave me a bit of a leeway.’’ the old man chuckled, bitterly.

 

‘’What… What’s wrong with her?’’

 

‘’She’s been complaining of dizziness lately, headaches. forgetting of where she put things, stumbling, loss of balance. She was joking that old age finally got to her. Refused to take it seriously. I should have taken her to doctor sooner. She’s been so easy-going and carefree about it. I didn’t realize how serious it was, until..’’

 

Odin’s voice cracked and faded. Dizziness, loss of memory, headaches… Sounded like a recipe to disaster. Thor felt like his world was being torn apart and turned upside down. He didn’t dare ask. He didn’t want to know. Somehow, some childish part of his brain believed that if he didn’t know, it would not be real. As if he was still a kid and if he closed his eyes to not see the monster, the monster would not be able to see him either.

 

‘’ Glioblastoma. That’s what the doctors call it.’’ Odin said at last. Thor had no idea what the word meant, only that it sounded ominous. ‘’It’s a kind of tumor. Bad one.’’

 

Thor could not speak. What was there to say?

 

‘’How long?”’ he asked, at last, not knowing exactly what he wanted to say.

 

‘’How long she has left? They can’t say.’’ Odin sounded exhausted and broken. ‘’They say there is a hope and i hope for that. I’ll try everything I can Thor, but it’s her… She needs to hold on, not lose hope…’’

 

Thor swallowed. His throat was parched dry.

 

‘’Get over here, Thor. She needs you. She needs all the hope she can get.’’

 

Thor nodded.

 

‘’I will, father.’’

 

‘’Thank you, my boy. I hoped you’d say that.’’

 

Hoped? Thor could not believe his ears.

 

‘’You hoped?’’ He asked, incredulous. ‘’What, you thought you’d say ‘’Thor your mother is dying of cancer,’’ and i’d be like, what, ‘’Sorry father, i can’t come i have this huge deal in my career, but do tell me if i have a funeral to attend?’’ Do you really think so little of me?’’

 

The silence that followed was answer enough.

 

‘’How long have you known?’’ Thor asked, furious.

 

Odin hesitated.

 

‘’How long?’’ the blonde all but screamed into his phone, drawing looks of everyone at the bar.

 

‘’Almost a month.’’ Odin said at last.

 

‘’A… A  _month_? When were you going to tell me?’’

 

‘’She refused to let you know, Thor. She knew you were going through a hard time with your marriage and with Loki.’’

 

‘’To hell with the marriage and with Loki!’’ seethed Thor, ‘’Do you really think that is more important? Loki is not dying, we still have time to work out our differences! What is she’d died before you told me? What if i never said goodbye to her? What if…’’

 

‘’Thor,’’ Odin said calmly. ‘’My son, get yourself together. She is not dying. I’ll do everything possible not to let that happen. I’m glad to hear you speak those thing, believe me, I do, but we’re your parents Thor. We’re going to go, sooner or later. You can’t hold on to us. It’s a fine sentiment that you’d want to try, but nonetheless, it is important that you live your own life.’’

 

Thor wiped his eyes and nodded again. ‘’I’m sorry, father.’’

 

‘’There’s nothing a parent can not forgive,’’ Odin stated. ‘’You need not worry. I should be the one apologising, for dropping this bomb on you. I should have been braver and told you. Not have sent Fandral as intermediary.’’

 

‘’You… you sent him?’’ Said Thor, a little taken aback by this new development.

 

‘’I did. What, you thought he just decided to drop his european tourne and come back to states out of good of his heart?’’

 

Thor felt like a failure.

 

‘’Goodbye, Thor,’’ Odin said. ‘’Hope to see you back home before it’s too late.’’

 

The line went dead leaving Thor clutching his phone in one hand, the empty bottle of beer in another, staring at the wall, hollow, oblivious of tears streaming down his face.

 

All that mattered in that moment was to go home to his mother.

 

And what mattered a moment after  _that_ was getting himself another drink and dulling the pain in his already shattered heart. Make himself forget, even if just for a little while. How much drinking would that take? Thor had no idea, but he was willing to try.

 

The bottles followed each-other.

 

And forget he did.

  
  


* * *

 

_**Present Day...** _

 

 

The doorbell rang.

 

Loki felt his blood turn to ice, then, somehow, like a global warming or some bullshit, turn to lead, melt and fill him with a burning rage.

 

He wanted to fuckin slaughter.

 

If that was Thor, he better have some damn good explanation of this.

 

He hurried to the door, realizing he still had his boots on. What the fuck, did he really sleep in those. He halted. Ok, those would have to go; he would not give Thor a pleasure of thinking that he was sitting there for four-and-a-half-goddamn-fuckin-hours, shoes on, jacket on, ready and set to go and waiting for him like a dog left outside of Walmart by its master for one too many hours.

 

He started unhooking the laces, in the dark, bumping his head against some thing or another, cursing in language that would make his viking ancestors proud.

 

Ok, boots off. Jacket off. Did his jeans fit into the inconspicuous image he was trying to sell here? Oh, who the fuck even cared. For all he knew, it might have been a neighbor.

 

Well, it wasn’t. It was Thor alright, his soon-to-be-ex-husband, hair disheveled, shirt wrinkled, his massive silhouette illuminated by the single light bulb outside.

 

Loki leaned on the door frame, crossing hands over his chest.  _Well, do speak up then, let’s hear it._

 

For a couple of seconds, there was tense silence, while Thor busied himself by picking at a sleeve of his shirt (was it wet? It was hard to tell in the dark.) and Loki kept glaring daggers at him, not bothering to make it easier on either (what was even easy with the two of them? When has it ever been?)

 

Finally, Thor looked up.

 

‘’Hey.’’ he offered lamely.

 

‘’Good morning to you too.’’ Loki shot back, icily.  _Really? Hey? That’s what he was going for? ‘’_ What God do i have to thank for, that graced me with your presence?”’

 

Thor harrumphed.

 

‘’Look, I’m sorry.’’ he said, looking anywhere but at Loki.

 

Loki gasped. _Un-fuckin-believeble_.

 

‘’Oh no, ‘’ he shrugged, sardonic as ever. ‘’It’s my fault, surely, should have checked the time zones, made sure which one you were setting up our outing for. You know what time it is Thor?’’

 

Thor shrugged.

 

‘’Well, it’s way past my Giving-the-fuck-PMs and right into Get-yourself-out-of-my-sight o’clock. So…’’ Loki stepped back into his apartment, all but ready to slam the door in this asshole’s face.

 

‘’Look, I can explain,’’ Thor said, grabbing his arm. ‘’Please, Loki. Hear me out.’’

 

Loki started.  _Please_. Thor didn’t sound like himself at all. He could count on his fingers all the times he’d said that word, probably (Ok, not counting last three months of begging).

 

He slipped his feet into the first shoes that were closest to the door, stepped out and locked the door behind him and walked down the corridor.

 

Outside, he lit a cigarette, leaned on the wall, blowing it right into Thor’s face. Well, if that wasn’t testing fate...

 

‘’So, let’s hear it.’’

 

Thor looked him up and down, catching obvious signs of him still being ‘’dressed up’’ for going out. But he didn’t comment on it.

 

Thor held his hand out. Loki looked at him with disdain and passed the pack and the lighter. Up close, Loki could feel reek of alcohol on him.

 

Thor lit it. His eyes were sunken, unfocused. His hands - a bit shaky.

 

‘’I’ll sign the papers.’’ he said, after a second, out of the blue.

 

‘’Beg your pardon?’’ Loki exclaimed. _Say fuckin what?_

 

‘’The fuckin papers. I’ll sign them all. Tomorrow. Send them over.’’ Thor grumbled, taking a drag and sighing miserably.

 

 _Ok what in the actual fuck was going on here._ Loki was all but out of his depth, Thor has swiped the fucking rug right from under his feet. His mind was full of buzzing questions that he could not ask.

 

They smoked silently; Loki leaning on the wall, Thor bunked down right one the ground. The silence stretched way too thin, moving from uncomfortable to unnerving to fuckin crushing.

 

‘’Say something,’’ Thor inquired.

 

‘’What is there to say?’’ Loki shrugged. God, wasn’t it? There were thousand things to be said. If they were left unsaid now… Well, just like in wedding wows: either speak up now or stay silent forever.

 

‘’Why?’’ Loki asked at last, voice a bit shaken, instantly regretting it too.  _What kind of dumbass question was that even? Really Laufeyson? You pressure the guy into signing the papers for months and when he finally caves in, you ask for reasoning?_

 

To someone else, in might have looked like rubbing your ex’s nose in it. Relishing in the victory.

 

Not to Loki. He wasn’t that good of a liar to convince himself. He knew exactly what it was. What the fuck do you mean ‘’why’’? That was the answer he deserved.

 

‘’I’m moving.’’ Thor said.

 

Loki stared. And stared.

 

‘’Where?’’ he asked, trying to sound detached, polite.

 

‘’Back to Europe.’’

 

‘’ _Why?_ ’’ God, that was quickly becoming Loki’s least favorite word in all of Oxford English Dictionary.

 

Thor hang his head, inspecting the burning cigarette, before throwing it down and trampling it under his feet. ‘’It’s personal.’’ He said.

 

Loki suddenly felt like strangling the life out of him.  _‘’Personal_.’’ What a word. It left bitter taste in his mouth. Thor’s personal was his own. None of his business. It felt strangely… Enstranging.

 

Suddenly, it hit him. The finality. With a full force. They were  _over_. Truly.

 

But… it was a good thing, wasn’t it? It was over. The heartbreak ( _Sure, Laufeyson, like that could ever be fixed_ ), the fighting, tip-toeing around each-others’ feeling.

 

He was finally free.

 

It was a good thing, right?

 

Then  _why_ did he feel like crying?

 

No, that could not be. He would not break. _Ok, all power to front shields, activating defense matrix._

 

‘’Dropping your career then?’’ He said instead.

 

Thor crearly saw the question for what it was: a fuckin trap. He didn’t step in.

 

‘’What’s there to drop?’’ he muttered.

 

 _Whoa_. That didn’t sound like Thor at all; the attitude, the wrecked posture and hoarse voice. Maybe, another day, Loki would have taken the fuckin hint and quit while he was ahead.

 

Maybe, one day, he would have the maturity.

 

Well, today was not that day.

 

‘’What has to become of your fans?’’ he gasped in mock-horror. ‘’Of your  _colleagues_?’’ God, did he put whole lot of poison into that. ‘’Or is running from your failures how you do it nowadays?’’

 

Thor clenched his fists. ‘’It’s family. I don’t expect  _you_ to understand.’’ he spat and got up, getting out the car keys.

 

Well, some people had the talent to say one thing, fire one shot, and to land it perfectly right.

 

Thor was already couple steps away from him.

 

‘’What if I’ve changed my mind?’’ Loki called after him.

 

That made him halt alright.

 

‘’I want the terms renegotiated.’’ Loki demanded, bratty.

 

Thor growled turned and hurried back in long strides, now inches away from his face. His smell still made Loki’s heart beat wildly. So  _familiar_. Like safety and home. But it was all wrong too..  

 

“You know what. Fuck you, Loki.  _Fuck you_ . You begged me to sign the papers. I begged you to stay. On my fuckin knees. You said we were over. Well, have it your way then. We’re fuckin  _over_ . I’ll sign whatever the fuck you want. Change the terms to your heart’s desire, I don’t care. Change them and send them over. I’ll sign them. I can’t  _stand_ to see you anymore.’’

 

Loki stood there, wide eyed, frozen. He wasn't sure what he wanted to achieve, stringing Thor along like this, but this was not it. This Thor… He wasn't who Loki remembered loving, who he wanted to spend his life with. This Thor… Strangely enough, reminded him of  Laufey, the nightmare still fresh in his mind.

 

‘’I..’’ he started, not sure what to say. Thor was just standing there, glaring at him. Loki swallowed the lump in his throat that threatened to choke him and tried again. ‘’I’m… Sorry.‘’

 

‘’Save it,’’ Thor spat. ‘’I don’t want your apologies. You’re incapable of sincerity, Loki.’’

 

Loki’s brain was filled with buzzing white noise. Thor walked away from him, got into his car, started the engine and hit the gas.

 

Only when the car disappeared around the corner did Loki realize what was off about him:

 

The dilated eyes. Shaky hands. Unsteady steps. The smell.

 

Thor was drunk out of his mind.

  


* * *

 

 

The day has been  _shit_. Well, that would be the understatement of the century if you’d asked Thor... More like, a total disaster all around. His life went downhill  and like a small ball of snow, it picked up more and more weight on the way and grew into an avalanche that threatened to swallow him whole.

 

The road was dark, or were it the tears that clouded his vision? Thor blindly reached around for some paper tissues he knew he had lying around the car somewhere.

 

The rain had started to fall. Thor rolled the windows down to keep the glass from steaming: he still didn’t manage to get air conditioning fix, which was really not an issue anymore: it was Autumn and air was chilly.

 

Don’t think, he kept telling himself. Just drive. Drive. Home. Reserve tickets to earliest flight to Berlin. He wasn’t sure where his parents even lived these days: was Frigga in the intensive care already? He hadn’t even asked. What kind of sorry excuse of a son was he?

 

Call Sif and tell her you agree to sign the papers. Call the neighbor to make arrangements for the house Well, not right now, no, it’s way past decent time for that, but, like tomorrow.

 

Maybe he should just find some agent to sell the it overall? He didn’t even need the two bedroom, two store house to live in. It was Loki that insisted they buy it: the 2nd bedroom for the kids. The mansard for Thor to work on his songs on. The library where he would work on his texts.

 

Loki always dreamed about family he’d never had. He looked up to Thor, hope for him to make his dreams into reality; to be a father that son of a bitch never was to him. To raise the kids right. To grow old with Thor. And Thor never wanted any of that, but he indulged him: he bought the house but Loki refused to live alone in it: he always went where Thor did, tried to live up to his dreams, to be happy with his success and share his grief.

 

The house felt empty without him. Thor’s life was empty too, but sometimes, you just have to stop looking behind, stop hoping and just… Drive on.

 

So he did. Probably, with more speed than it was necessary or advised, but he just couldn’t bring himself to care. The other cars were like a fireflies, passing him in the darkness.

 

The rain was turning into a thunderstorm. The tires were screeching.

 

His phone rang.

 

Later, looking back at his moment, Thor could not fathom how could he ever think looking down and letting one hand go off of the steering wheel seemed like a sane idea to his past, drunken, stupid self.

 

But, at that moment, it did seem as a logical thing to do.

 

The car turned and then turned out of his control, lifting off the ground as it hit something, rolling around like a toy and then finally, screeching to a halt upside down.

 

Thor moaned; his head hurt terribly. his right hand was stuck under the seat, bent in unnatural angle.

 

Was the phone still ringing or was it all the noise just in his ears? Thor looked around, to find the damn thing and call 911.

 

He more felt than heard something hurling towards him and thought, that in the hindsight, not even turning on crash lights, on a darkened highway in a thunderstorm was not such a wise move.

 

Then, something bumped into the front windshield.

 

The last thing he knew was a noise of glass shattering and he tried to get his hands out in time to cover his face from the debris that followed.

 

And then -  _darkness_...

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You: oh nooo a cliffhanger! ! !  
> Me, from my throne of angst and feels: what where?  
> Also, another piece of amazing fanart <3 I'm getting so spoiled here ^happy panda noises  
> This time by Golikethatcat! 
> 
> https://golikethatcat.tumblr.com/post/177300360834/lokis-predicament-an-illustration-honoring-my


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Thor is under surgery and Loki's under whole lot of stress...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update. There's a liiiitle cameo in this one. Let's see if you can spot it!

 

The world was dark and silent. It felt like he had plunged deep underwater - the sounds were muted to a white noise in the background. The feeling of numbness spread all over him. Thor tried hard to move his arms or legs only to find out he no longer had a body to control.

 

Was this death? Could be. He had no idea. Nobody had told him dying would mean everything going silent. No noises. 

 

Then it all crashed into him all once: the world around came alive once again. He tried to take a breath and failed. Tried again. God, what he would not give for some air! 

 

There were voices. Thor tried to listen but couldn’t understand; were they talking to him? What did they want? 

 

Then the pain started to register; an extreme pain that made him wish to plunge back into the darkness. This made no sense: how could it hurt if he did not have a body anymore? This was so unfair.

 

His vision wouldn’t come into focus. He blinked and blinked, trying to get the blur away from his eyelids, but it was all in vain. He felt someone’s hands on him, something brushing his face and then…

 

Gods, air! Someone gave him air! He tied to thank them, to speak, to make them understand…

 

‘’Oh, God!’’ exclaimed someone above him. ‘’I think he’s waking up!’’

 

‘’In that state?’’ replied the other. ‘’Can’t be!’’

 

There was silence. 

 

‘’I’m telling you!’’ said the first. ‘’Look, he’s moving his fingers!’’

 

‘’Must be spasms. The pain.’’

 

Thor struggled; he had to let them know he was there! He had to tell them… But he didn’t remember whatever it was he wanted to say.

 

The pain began to numb. The waters came rushing back in.

 

Thor slipped back into the darkness.

 

The darkness embraced and welcomed him.

 

* * *

 

Loki found sleep evading him; Gods knew he tried. He tossed and turned in bed, then tried reading, only to realize he was reading one and the same paragraph over and over. Loki cursed, crawled out of the bed and threw a hoodie on: it was late Autumn, but he didn’t have the heating on yet: he didn’t much felt cold, was never all that bothered by the low temperatures. Then, of course, there was the bill; the earlier he started the heaters, the more money would be wasted. He didn’t have all that much to spare; translating and writing of small reviews or articles didn’t pay much. Well, more precisely, translations did pay, but he couldn’t depend on the money: it was too random. There were moment when he had too much work to handle; editing one book, reviewing another, translating yet another. But at other times, he’d spend months without a new order coming through. These times were… ok. Not too good, not too bad. But now that he might have a teenager at home to take care of too… That complicated things. Immensely. He would have to think of something.

 

Then there was the divorce. Which, to say, made Loki awkward, would be underestimation of the century. The house. Which they bought together. Admittedly, Thor contributed more to it: he’d not let Loki pay for anything at all if Loki let him. In those years, when things were going good for the band, they didn’t have to struggle and worry. Then the times changed and so did the two of them. 

 

So now, that house would have to be sold. Loki understood well enough that he didn’t have the luxury to climb on the metaphorical high horse and let Thor have everything all to himself. But then again… Thor  _ lived  _ there after all. It would have to be his decision. Loki could not pressure him. But on the other hand...

 

Loki he paced and paced, first in his room, then on the balcony; he didn’t want to make that much noise: Bast was still sleeping on the couch in the living room that had a kitchen to one side. He lit a cigarette, leaned his back against the glass door, looking down at the city. 

 

The ringing of his phone didn’t even register; the glass was soundproof. Neither the knocking. When Loki finally turned his baby brother was standing at the other side of the glass, holding up Loki’s phone and waving it furiously.

 

Loki pulled out the door, frantic.

 

“It wouldn't stop calling,” Bast told him, apologetically. 

 

“It's ok, baby. I'm sorry to wake you up.” Loki told the boy, hugging him and answering the call at the same time.

 

“Hello?”

 

_ “Mr Loki Laufeyson?” said unfamiliar, sterile voice from the other side. _

 

_ “My name is Linda, I'm calling from St Mary hospital. Your number and name is listed as an emergency contact for Thor Odinson. Is that correct?” _

 

Loki grew cold all over, his fingers freezing in Bast’s hair. The teenager looked up at him questioningly.

 

“Yes.” finally managed Loki after a short silence. 

 

_ “Mr Laufeyson there's been an accident. Mr Odinson was brought to our hospital by an emergency team less than an hour ago. It would be appreciated if you'd come in to discuss his health as soon as possible. Can you write down the address?” _

 

Loki couldn't do anything. He was numb a scream stuck in his throat his mind screaming at him to ask ask everything where? How? Why? Was he going to be ok? But most of all he wanted to cry but couldn't even get a word out.

 

Bast was frowning at him, concern all over his childish face.

 

“Lo?” He whispered gently tugging on Loki's sleeve. “Is everything ok? What happened?”

 

_ “Mr Laufeyson i know this is terrible news, “ the woman on the other end said, now with more compassion in her voice but her empathy still seemed unnatural. “and I'm truly sorry. I know this is challenging but if you could try to take deep breaths with me please? “ _

 

“Y-yes. “ rasped Loki.

 

_ “Thank you Mr Laufeyson. Now please, concentrate on your surroundings. Is there someone with you who could help?” _

 

Loki looked down at Bast who was getting impatient at this point. 

 

“Bast get me pen and paper please. Hurry.”

 

The teenager brought him the things within couple of seconds and Loki somehow managed to write the address down without freaking out completely. 

 

The line went dead. Loki staring at the screen until it went dark, clutching the phone with  his shaky fingers.

 

Bast ushered him inside, lead him to a couch, pushing the blankets aside.

 

“Lo, what is it?” the boy whispered, petting Loki’s hair.

 

“Thor… Thor's been in accident. A car crash. He's in a hospital.” said Loki slowly.

 

Hearing it said out loud made it worse, somehow. More… final.

 

The meaning of the call began to dawn on him. 

 

Loki jumped to his feet in panic.

 

“I have to go. Bast i don't know where I'll be back, look after yourself please. “ he said all in one breath while running to the bedroom, pulling on the first pair of jeans he saw, grabbing his backpack and running back into the living room. “ There's food in the fridge. If you need something order online. You know where i keep money don't you?” Bast nodded. Loki hurriedly put on his booths and threw on the jacket.

 

“Where the hell are my keys?” he muttered. ‘’Bast? Have you seen my keys anywhere? “

 

“What, you mean these?” said Bast nonchalantly spinning the car keys around his fingers.

 

“Now isn't the time for jokes Bast!” seethed Loki reaching for the keys, only to have the teenager pull away and hide his hands behind his back.

 

“Bast stop it! It's not funny!” yelled Loki.

 

“Am I fuckin laughing?” Bast asked, his face stoic, “I don't care what happened to your boyfriend Loki, you're not driving in this state!”

 

Loki froze, slack jawed.

 

“What the hell are you talking about?” 

 

“You! And your panic attacks and sensory overload!” Bast said. “What, you thought I didn't know?  You thought i didn't realize that there was a reason why you spent days hiding in your room? Thought i never saw your covering your ears or shrug away from the touch like it hurt? Thought i never saw those pills you are hiding all over the place? Thought i couldn't just fuckin Google what they were for? Think me a stupid child?”

 

Loki was totally lost for words. Bast was walking towards him during his monologue and now they were standing inches apart. 

 

Suddenly the teenager wrapped his arms around Loki's waist, burying his head in Loki's chest.

 

“Please  Lo,” the boy whispered, his tone suspiciously close to crying. “Please don't go driving out there and hurt yourself. Please. You’re the only family I have.” 

 

Loki felt like someone thrust a knife into his chest and now was mercilessly twisting it among his insides. 

 

He crouched down next to the boy wrapping his arms around him.

 

“Hey hey. It's ok. I'm sorry. Shhh don't cry. You're right, ok? I won't drive. I'll call a cab. It'll be ok, baby.” 

 

Bast nodded, snuggling into his chest and rubbing his face over Loki’s shirt.

 

“Now look what you've done. Got snort all over my clothes.” Loki tried to lighten up the mood by joking. “who will let me into the hospital, when I'm carrying that many germs around?”

 

Bast made a weird noise between a sob and  a huff. He removed his hands and growled at Loki.

 

“Call me!”

 

“I will.” promised Loki, kissing the boy's forehead. “I'll have Darcy come over and watch over you, ok?” 

 

Bast nodded, pocketing the keys.

 

“You're not getting these back anyway.” he declared matching back to his makeshift bed dramatically, making the show out of tucking himself in. “And turn off the lights in the hall before you leave. “

 

Loki sighed. It was going to be a long night.

 

* * *

 

 

The taxi drive was too slow for Loki’s liking, but looking at the thunderstorm and the traffic, he had to admit that Bast had a point; he probably wasn’t to be trusted with driving right now. Tapping his fingers on steamed glass, annoyed and frustrated at the slowness of everything and at the clusterfuck his life had become, Loki huffed an irritated sigh.

 

The driver, an old man, old enough to be his grandfather (Not like Loki ever new him), looked at the rear view mirror couple of times.

 

‘’Are you quite alright there, son?’’ He asked at last.

 

‘’It’s… I’m fine.’’

 

‘’You don’t seem fine though,’’ the man pointed out.

 

Loki considered his answer for a second; would this man slander him, or leave him out on the street if he mentioned he was married _to a guy_? It wasn’t a risk worth taking.

 

‘’My… friend has been in a car crash.’’ he said at last.

 

‘’Oh, the young people these days,’’ sighed the man, nodding, adjusting his glasses. 

 

Loki was even surprised this guy was still allowed to drive. He wondered how well could he see the road in a rain like this. Wouldn’t it be the sweetest kind of irony, if he got into an accident too and ended up crashing the hospital bed next to Thor’s? The thought made him chuckle humorlessly.

 

‘’Yes, he does drive like a maniac,’’ he confessed to the old man. ‘’I warned him. All the good it did.’’

 

‘’I’m sorry son. I’ll pray for his him. May God help you both pick your life back up.’’

 

Loki honestly had no answer to that. Not that he could say to this innocent looking grandpa that God didn’t give a rats ass about his life for years now. That he didn’t much believe such deity existed at all. Or maybe, he was getting punished for his sins and all of his life was one big recompense for his sins? Who knew.

 

‘’Thank you,’’ he said instead.

 

The rest of the drive was mostly silent.

 

‘’I can see you’re more unhappy than you let on, m boy,’’ the man said to him when they stopped in front of a hospital. ‘’But I also know that all the worries will one day go away. Trust me and have faith in that and in old man’s words.’’

 

Loki thanked him, left the man a good tip and rushed to the entrance, looking for reception.

 

‘’Loki Laufeyson,’’ he said to the girl in the reception. ‘’My husband was brought here after an accident. Thor Odinson. Where is he?’’

 

The girl nodded and typed the names out on the keyboard.

 

‘’He’s in surgery, it seems like, Mr Laufeyson,’’ she said after a minute. ‘’Third floor. Doctor Fischer. I will notify the staff to update you on his health status.’’ 

 

The girl handed him a visitor card and told him to take the stairs to the left.

 

* * *

 

Loki leaned on the wall, closing his eyes and rubbing them furiously with the back of his hands, trying to stop the tears from spilling. 

 

He’s been here for hours. Hours! No one had talked to him, except the receptionist and the nurse: the surgeon was still busy and Loki had no idea what was going on. He was told to wait. So he was waiting. The feeling of uselessness crushing his chest was all but agonizing.

 

‘’I think this damn machine is broken,’’ said someone conversationally from his right.

 

Loki didn’t deign that with an answer. 

 

‘’Oh, it’s not!’’ the same, friendly, deep voice continued it’s  banter, ‘’Just it doesn’t take quarters for some reason. Figures. Would you fancy a cup of coffee?’’

 

‘’I don’t know what you are trying to accomplish here,’’ Loki rasped, ‘’but please, leave me be.’’

 

The guy sat down on the floor beside him; Loki reluctantly moved a bit to the left, drawing his knees closer to his chest: there was not much room between the vending machine and the stretcher left standing on the other side. That’s where he sat, cause it was the closest he could be to the operation room right now: if he looked to his left, he could see the double swing-doors at the end of corridor, about twenty feet away. 

 

He wait was exhausting. His chest was filled with dread, invisible weight bearing down on his lungs, crushing the air right out of him.

 

He felt a cup placed near his right leg and looked up.

 

The blonde sitting beside him blinked in astonishment.

 

‘’Loki?’’ he exclaimed.

 

Loki blinked. It took him couple of seconds to place that face; it had been couple of years since he’d seen the guy, after all and he’d never seen him in military outfit either (damn, but it suited him!). 

 

‘’Steve?’’ he stared back, just as confused.

 

Not after a second later, he was drawn into a bone-crushing hug by this huge fluffy bear of a man.

 

‘’Oh, Jesus, Loki, I haven’t seen you in ages!’’ He exclaimed, loudly, probably way too much so for a hospital, drawing couple of disapproving looks. ‘’How have you been?’’ he seemed to notice Loki’s hopeless, tense expression and put two and two together quickly. ‘’Oh, God, Loki what is going on? Is it…’’ his voice wavered and Loki saw his own fear reflected in those kind blue eyes and a desire to sob his heart out came over him again. 

 

Steve wrapped an arm around him. He seemed to understand.

 

‘’It’s Thor, isn’t it?’’ He whispered after a while.

 

Loki nodded.

 

Steve grimaced.

 

‘’How bad is it?’’ he asked, cautious, brows furrowed and handed him a plastic cup.

 

Loki took a gulp. It was too sweet, bland and awful, barely something a sane, self-respecting person would call ‘’coffee’’, but who the fuck even cared at this point. The hot liquid soothed his parched throat and warmed up his insides. He took, another, bigger gulp and shrugged.

 

‘’I don’t know.’’ he admitted. There, said it. That was what terrified him most; the _ not knowing. _

 

Steve nodded in understanding . 

 

There was a tense silence. A nurse left the surgery unit and Loki’s head perked up at the footsteps, but she walked past them without stopping, without even a glance. 

 

Loki felt a bile rising in his throat and wondered how often stuff like that happened around here and if anyone would even be surprised if he threw up, dissolved into a sobbing mess on the floor or….

 

No, he told himself. I forbid you. He wouldn’t make a spectacle out of himself. He wouldn’t. 

 

‘’We’re divorcing.’’ he confessed, out of the blue.

 

Steve’s eyes widened. He opened his mouth; probably to ask if he was serious but seemed to realize it was no laughing matter and Loki was not in the mood for jesting.

 

‘’Oh…’’ 

 

‘’Yeah.’’

 

Silence. 

 

Loki waited. And waited for Steve to hit him with the question. You know,  _ The question.  _ ‘’Why?’’ Like everyone else did. To demand to know, like he had any right to. Like their relationship was  a public property that needed to be examined before deciding if it was broken enough to be discarded and put into trash or if there was some potential that could be juiced out still. 

 

Well, it didn’t happen. 

 

‘’I’m sorry,’’ Steve said instead and it was not one of those shallow condolences the people offer for having nothing better to say. It seemed  _ real _ . ‘’Must be terrible strain on both of you.’’

 

Loki sighed and sipped his coffee. It was no longer hot and therefore, even worse than first time. 

 

‘’Thank you,’’ he offered lamely. 

 

‘’What happened?’’ 

 

_ Oh, well _ . Thought Loki. T’was good while it lasted.

 

Steve seemed to realize his mistake a second too late. ‘’No, God, I mean, to Thor.’’ he rushed to explain. ‘’What happened to him?’’

 

Oh,  _ that _ . 

 

‘’Drunk driving. Car slipped and overturned. Then a truck bumped into it from driver’s side.’’ He repeated the words of a police officer mechanically, without any trace of emotion in his voice.

 

‘’Was he alone?’’

 

Loki nodded. 

 

‘’He’ll be fine,’’ Steve assured, patting his shoulder. ‘’He’ll pull through, he’s strong. But You need to stay strong for him too, Loki.’’

 

Loki nodded again, though he wasn’t so sure himself.

 

They sat in tense silence after that. Loki was not sure how much time had passed, or if he had fallen asleep. The next thing he knew, was someone gently shaking his shoulder, calling his name.

 

‘’Loki?’’

 

Loki opened his eyes. Seemed like he had been using Steve as a human pillow for some time; he blushed, blinking to clear his vision. There was a couple of police officers leaning down next to them on the floor.

 

‘’Mr Laufeyson?’’ One of them asked. 

 

The older, bald, dark-skinned guy must’ve been in his late fifties at least. The other, younger, pale one, seemed to be looking around nervously.

 

‘’Yes?’’

 

‘’I’m officer Williams, this is lieutenant Carter. We need to ask you some questions. If you could follow us.’’

 

Loki staggered to his feet, bit disoriented. 

 

The officers lead him through the corridor. Loki lagged behind, anxiously looking back every now and then, to the door where he knew the doctors took Thor. 

 

The elder policeman seemed to notice that.

 

‘’Don’t worry, kid,’’ he said, reassuringly. ‘’I’m sure they’ll find us if they need to let you know anything. We’ll be down just one floor.’’

 

Loki nodded, eyes still glued to the door.

 

* * *

 

‘’So,’’ the elder policeman, Williams, started, when they sat down in one of the small offices. ‘’Your name is Loki Laufeyson, correct?’’

 

Loki nodded.

 

‘’Social security number?”’

 

Loki told him.

 

‘’Date of birth?’’

 

Loki told him.

 

‘’Current address? ‘’

 

Loki told him.

 

‘’What is your relationship with Thor Odinson?’’

 

‘’He’s my husband.’’ Loki said. ‘’Well, ex-husband, to be precise. We’re divorcing.’’

 

Williams nodded and wrote that down too.

 

‘’When did you last see him?’’

 

‘’Last night.’’

 

‘’Where and what time?’’

 

‘’He came to my house around midnight. Left… Roughly an hour later.’’

 

‘’You don’t live together?’’

 

It was more of a statement than a question. Loki nodded.

 

‘’We don’t.’’

 

‘’Is that a normal occurrence?’’ 

 

Loki blinked at him, confused.

 

‘’Is it a normal occurrence for him to show up at your place? Do you see him often?’’

 

‘’No. We…’’ Loki swallowed, heavily. ‘’We’re not on best terms one could say. But we were supposed to meet that evening. He… He was late, I was mad at him.’’ Loki said, his voice wavering. ‘’I told him to fu… To leave. We got in an argument, kind of. He drove away. The next thing I know, the Hospital calls me and…’’ 

 

Loki blinked furiously, trying hard not to let the tears fall. The older policeman thrusted a handkerchief in his direction. 

 

‘’Here,’’ he said, ‘’Calm down, son. It’ll be alright.’’

 

Loki nodded, wiping his eyes. 

 

‘’Thank you,’’ he said, voice choked. 

 

‘’Did you notice anything out of the ordinary that evening?’’

 

‘’Well.. He was drunk, very drunk, more like, but it’s not unusual. Thor… He drinks often. A lot. I warned him, I told him to stop…’’ 

 

Williams patted his shoulder. The other one, Carter, seemed uncomfortable. 

 

‘’Does your husband use drugs, Mr Laufeyson?’’

 

Loki froze.

 

‘’W-what?’’

 

‘’Does he use any kind of illegal recreational substance that are not prescribed?’’

 

‘’I… I don’t know.’’ The raven-haired man stammered. ‘’We haven’t been in close contact for months. I don’t know.’’

 

‘’Did he used to when you were living together?’’

 

Loki gulped.

 

‘’Well?’’ The officer pushed.

 

‘’Yes.’’ Muttered Loki.

 

‘’So he used to do drugs?’’

 

‘’Yes.’’ 

 

‘’And you never reported that?’’

 

Loki blinked, astonished.

 

‘’Why would I do that?’’

 

‘’Did you advise him to get help?’’

 

‘’I did.’’

 

‘’Did it work?’’

 

‘’Well if it had worked, we wouldn’t be here now, would we?’’ Loki scoffed, irritated.

 

‘’Understood. Do you know what kind of drugs was he using?’’

 

‘’No.’’

 

‘’Have you ever witnessed the process or did you just suspect that he  was using them?’’ 

 

‘’I…’’ Loki stammered. God this was getting worse and worse by second. ‘’I didn’t see. I don’t know.’’ 

 

The officer did not seem convinced.

 

‘’Are you aware that lying during the questioning is a criminal offence, Mr Laufeyson?’’

 

‘’I’m aware.’’

 

‘’Do you have anything else do add?’’

 

‘’No.’’

 

The man handed him the printed out copy of the statement.

 

‘’Please read this carefully and if you don’t have any objections, sign at the bottom of every page.’’

 

Loki signed the papers and stood up.

‘’Can I go now?’’ he asked. 

 

‘’Yes, you are free to go. Good night, Mr Laufeyson.’’

 

Loki nodded and left without another word. His mind was reeling. God, what had he done? Did he just make this worse for both Thor and himself? Damn that oaf and his selfish, stupid, reckless…

 

‘’Mr Laufeyson?’’ 

 

Loki turned sharply. It was a blond guy in his forties, in a lab coat. 

 

‘’Yes?’’

 

The man held out his hand. 

 

‘’Doctor Fischer. Can I talk with you for a minute?’

 

‘’Of course,’’ Replied Loki.

 

‘’So, I’m not going to lie, to you Mr Laufeyson.’’ He man said, leading him to a chair, setting him down and kneeling next to him. ‘’He survived. He’ll live. But the situation isn’t very good. But it’s not very bad either. Multiple injuries. Broken right arm. fractured collarbone. Second and third degree burns on left side of face and neck. Will leave scars unless the transplantation surgery is performed soon. Fractured ankle. That’s only one part of it. Signs of concussion. Brain isn’t damaged, but we won’t know fully how serious it may be until he wakes up. Your husband might be disoriented and confused for a while, might even not remember some things, but that part is manageable. ’’

 

Loki could  _ sense  _ something amiss.

 

‘’ _But_?’ he interjected.

 

‘’The problem is his eyes,’’ the doctor explained. ‘’I don’t know if you have been informed, but the crash resulted in broken glass shards in one of his eyes. It was impossible to save. We had to remove it. As for the other one… There’s some tissue damage from toxic gas and liquids. I won’t lie to you Mr Laufeyson: His vision may not return. It will be partial even if it does. And that would require close monitoring and surgeries. We will do everything in our power and have best Ophthalmologists we have take a look at him.’’

 

Loki felt numb all over. This… Whatever he was expecting, _this_ wasn’t it. Thor, incapacitated and unable to see… The felt a lump in his throat. 

 

‘’Can I...Can I see him?’’ He whispered finally, his voice cracking. 

 

‘’Of course,’’ Dr Fischer told him, looking apologetic to have the one bring the news. He hated this part: Hated telling families that their loved ones took damage that was too much for him to fix. ‘’he’s still in intensive care unit, though and won’t wake up for a day at least. He needs to rest and get his strength back. The surgery took a lot out of him. But you can still stay with him. If you want to.’’

 

Loki nodded eagerly.

 

‘’Please.’’ he said.

 

* * *

 

 

Thor seemed smaller somehow, resting on a hospital bed, hooked to all the machines. The heart monitor was beeping steadily. Loki took out a chair and sat down.

 

He looked and looked, but could barely believe his eyes. This… broken man, with  bandages across his whole face and neck, this… Could not be Thor, could it? Thor was so loud and larger than life. He was supposed to be invisible. He was supposed to be the one to protect Loki from the big bad world. How could Loki protect him and care for him when his world was falling apart like this?

 

He put his head on Thor’s chest; his heartbeat was irregular and a bit slow, but still strong.

 

‘’Why did you have to do that stupid thing?’’ Loki sighed, tiredly. ‘’Running off like that?’’

 

Thor, of course, didn’t answer. 

 

‘’I’m here. It’s gonna be alright.’’

 

Loki squeezed fingers of his undamaged left hand.

  
  


* * *

 

 

It was a beautiful, sunny day; The sky was blue, with tiny white clouds roaming over it like pieces of cotton candy. It was hot, but not overly so: the fresh breeze of the sea was washing over Loki. He opened eyes and looked at Thor lying beside him. 

 

Thor’s eyes were closed. There were tiny petals of flowers on his face, that the breeze has brought over. Loki touched his face, gently, brushing his hair back and tucking it behind his ear, then drew closer to plant a kiss over his full, rosy lips.

 

Thor sighed and melted into his touch, his strong hands coming up to wraps around Loki’s waist. 

 

They were both naked. Loki climbed on top of Thor’s glorious body, straddling him. Thor groaned. Loki smiled, wickedly and leaned down to kiss him everywhere he could reach: his neck, his shoulders, his stomach. 

 

‘’Come up here,’’ Whispered Thor, pulling Loki up and closer to his face, kissing him, breathless. Loki sighed and rubbed himself on Thor’s crotch.

 

‘’I’ll miss this,’’ sighed Thor, when their mouths separated to catch a breath.

 

Loki searched his face; Thor’s eyes were too sad. Too glassy.

 

‘’What do you mean?’’ He asked and nuzzled into his neck, hell-bent on getting his way.

 

‘’You.’’ Thor replied. ‘’I’m sorry, muffin, I ruined everything. I should have listened to you.’’ 

 

Loki narrowed his eyes at Thor: he looked too tired; dark circles under his eyes, a cut, starting from his forehead, marring the left side of his face. He smelled blood and shivered. 

 

‘’What... ‘’ the raven-haired man stuttered. ‘’What’s going on? Thor?’’ Thor didn’t answer: he was looking down, where the black waves crashed onto the rocks, below. ‘’Where are we?’’

 

‘’It’s heaven.’’ He said, absently.

 

‘’Yeah, It’s beautiful,’’ agreed Loki, following his gaze. ‘’But, surely that’s a bit of overstatement. Heaven’s supposed to have whole lot of angels and shit and here there’s only you. One’s nearly not enough’’ He said, chuckling at his own joke.

 

Thor didn’t smile.

 

‘’I’m sorry. ‘’ he said again. ‘’You were warning me, beloved, that it’d end badly. That i’d have to leave you. I didn’t mean it. Hope, that one day, you’ll forgive me.’’

 

‘’Leave me?’’ Loki repeated, confused, ‘’Oh…’’

 

It dawned on him now.

 

‘’Are you…’’ he whispered, dread filling his heart and clutched Thor’s chest tightly.

 

‘’Yes, beloved.’’

 

‘’No, no!’’ Loki shook his head, frantically, unable to believe it. ‘’No, you can’t be dead! They said you’d be fine, you’d survive, the doctors, they told me. This is not real! And even if… I’m not dead, therefore this couldn’t be heaven! I’m dreaming, aren’t I?’’

 

Thor smiled a bit. ‘’Ever the smarter one,’’ he mused, shuffling Loki’s hair, planting a kiss on his forehead. ‘’Of course you’re not dead. Just asleep, but that does not mean this is merely a dream.’’

 

Loki blinked, tears clouding his vision.

 

‘’What is it then?’’ He whispered.

 

‘’A _goodbye_.’’

 

* * *

 

 

Loki shot up. The room was empty, save for Thor, lying, unconscious, bandaged. The machines were beeping. 

 

Loki fell to his knees, putting his head on Thor’s chest, listening to his  heartbeat. It was irregular, sure, but strong and  _ there _ . He was there. 

 

The strain of thirty hours of wait and dread finally crashed into him with a full force.

 

Loki broke down, weeping.

 

‘’Please, don’t go,’’ he begged, clutching Thor’s left hand (the one that was not broken) to his chest, ‘’Please, Thor. I didn’t mean it. None of it. God, I can’t lose you, please.’’

 

‘’Mr Laufeyson?’’ Asked an unfamiliar, female voice from behind his back. 

 

Loki turned around: it was a middle-aged woman, dressed in hospital uniform. 

 

‘’I’m a night nurse, Maria. I’m sorry for what happened to your loved one, but you have to stay quiet and refrain from disturbing other patients. Or i’d be forced to asked you to leave.

 

Loki nodded in understanding, 

 

‘’Alright, If you require something you can let me know’ She said and turned to leave. Loki stood up to escort her out.

 

‘’Good night, Mr Laufeyson,’’ She said, at the door.

 

‘’Odinson,’’ Corrected Loki and looked back at his husband, who was sleeping soundly.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that's that. The make it or break it chapter. Comment?


End file.
